… Nothing much.
So, how are you, lost traveller? Today, I’ve been feeling quite happy and what’s strange is that I’m still weirdly happy, because normally I feel like shit at the end of the day. And now that I think about it (which I really shouldn’t) I have a lot of things to be sad about.
I lost my pen, my folding 30cm and my P.E kit and I can’t get back to school till november.
If the school are stupid enough to throw it away then, yeah, that’s pretty serious, but hey, I’ve got a back up kit! All I need now are trainers…
The second thing, or person, is Backstabber. The other day I was pretty upset about the whole not-fitting-on-to-any-friendship-groups thing and I also felt unusual strong feelings of hate towards her so didn’t sit next to her in English. I’m not sure whether or not that was the reason she shot me death stares throughout the day but I can tell she was angry. I don’t feel guilty though; she totally embarrassed me in chemistry the other day and it really hurt. And not only that, but she also told something to my sister that I told her in confidence as if it were a light matter. That made me furious. If you ask me, she deserved whatever she’s feeling now.
Do you know what I found out today about her? My friend who’s been really supportive and nice to me, let’s call her Cinnamon because I feel that somehow suits her, told me that Backstabber came up to her and said that she won’t be her friend anymore because she’s my friend. We were really angered by this. She was practically threatening her. Cinn said that she didn’t have the right to tell her who to be friends with and I said that regardless of whether they are friends with your so called ‘enemy’, if you’re a true friend, it wouldn’t matter. Oh well, ‘good riddance’ I say. No one needs people like that.
You know, I think that’s the reason why my friend, the other girl she hangs out with, alongside Mandy, has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even look at me and the only way Backstabber knows her if through me and Mari (she was actually Mari’s best friend… It’s funny how things turn out, ne?) who Backstabber also disowned.
But you know the reason I’m not bothered? Why the physical manifestations (mostly shortage of breath and feelings of sickness in some cases)? It’s because I had one of those moments when you look on one of your problems and worries and think ‘was I really stressing over this…?’ I hate to say it, since I’ve been her friend for almost half a decade, but she’s kind of pathetic and I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that when I look at her sometimes, I think about a little puppy trying to get out of a box thrice it’s size and trying to do so without any help when it’s just right there, within reach.
I wasn’t just imagining it at open day, she is lonely, despite whatever airs she puts on when I’m around and she’s with Mandy laughing her head off. If I could count the number of times she glanced and stared at me and looked like she just tripped over and landed in dog poo and quickly ran out of lessons to avoid me, just today, you’d be surprised. In Spanish, I loudly called my teacher, not so Backstabber could hear me, but just so I could get my quick question answered before the controlled conditions started. I might as well have called out just to annoy,Backstabber because she was truly shooting me daggers then and I had to stop myself laughing- what I do when I feel uncomfortable, but it was kind of funny, the face she made at least.
Sometimes I wish that I could tell her that it’s her loss, but there wouldn’t be a point, she won’t learn and I doubt she will.
I feel that even though I will again feel pain about this and cry about not fitting in, I think the worst is over and that I have a nice,future to look forward to as long as I learn the lessons that I’ve been taught in the experience.
The lessons? I’m in no position to give life lessons being the way I am, but I feel that these are very important.
The first is to never invest in one particular friendship; it doesn’t work… at all… The second is to look at your worries realistically. The third is to let things go, but remember that it takes time to heal. There’s also no point in trying to act as if you’re okay. It’s emotionally exhausting and only make it worse. It’s better to about your problems regularly and try not to hold back, but don’t overwhelm people with your problems. Overwhelming should be left for blogs and diaries. 😉
Well, I’ll just focus on my school work for now as well as my friendships. I’ll try not to worry about bs because she’s not worth the trouble. Sorry if I don’t blog for a while over these next few months; I’ll be doing my mocks soon, but down stay clear of my blog for a few months because I will post for definite.
I’m tired now.