I’m feeling pretty empty inside right now…
Perhaps it’s because I feel a bit lonely. I don’t think that it’s because of school because I feel like I’m adapting well (you know, after 4 years of hanging by only one person’s side…) I feel that I’m more independent and that I’m closer to my other friends. This half term, I hope to hand out with my friends as well as my primary school buddies as long as we don’t decide to procrastinate.
I’m still as shy as ever, probably a bit better than I was before, but I’m still having those horrible sensations whenever I’m around Backstabber. I didn’t feel them that much today in English, but I acted a little strange in that lesson.
For one thing, I talked to her and was being quite cold towards her. She hardly talked back except when she said ‘can I have my sheet’ when I was looking at it and ‘oh well’ when I corrected her spelling.
As she sat beside me she looked lifeless but as soon as age turned over to talk, suddenly she had the will to live again. That really pissed me off… Throughout the lesson I was tempted to throw a highlighter at her head or draw on her with my pen leaving a long how,k mark running down her lifeless dull face. I was so close to doing that, I swear. I feel like I’m being dragged back into crazy land again and I don’t know what it’s like because I’d probably forget it all, but according to my primary buddies, I was a hopeless wreck. Okay, they didn’t use those words, but from what they told me, that was the kind of impression I got.
I’m such a fricking weirdo.
I’m surprisingly calm tonight, but I felt that I needed to write so I could feel a little less hollow. I started think about the whole ‘I-wish-that-I-had-someone-by-my-side-like-Backstabber-was’ thing and I hate myself for not being stronger. I mean, sure it’s better to be with friends, but I want to be more dependent so that I won’t feel like so much of a burden. I want to be someone that people depend on, though I don’t want to taken advantage of. Perhaps if I was like that, I wouldn’t feel so empty and hollow inside.
I’m tired, so I’m going to end this nighttime post before I doze off and drop my phone behind my bed. I would like to say goodnight, but I’m noti going to because I doubt you’d be reading it this night. So… Until next time…
Oh! And tomorrow (or today if you’re reading this on tuesday) is my brother’s first birthday! Eee! I can’t wait. I hope my mum buys Victoria sponge- I hate chocolate cake. So yes, have little Kai on your mind tomorrow/today and wish him a happy birthday, he’ll be happy. 🙂
Okay, I’m seriously tired now. Again, till next time!