Out of Control

Somehow reminds me of semeuke.com 🙂

Wow, finally posting on my laptop…

I know I’ve mentioned this plenty of times before, but I really think I have a problem. Now my inability to talk or socialise just seems like… well like I just stubbed my toe in the door… everyday. My point is that now that Backstabber has dumped me as a friend, I’ve been forced out of my shell, or rather pushed a tiny bit out so I’m still terrible and scared about socialising, but it doesn’t take up a lot of space in my mind.

My mind is normally filled with the following:

  • Science
  • The World and Human race as a whole.
  • Religion
  • My writing (Not recently because I’ve had to put my book on hold because of GCSEs and whatnot and I haven’t been bothered to work on my short story series)
  • Random thoughts
  • Books
  • People around me (school mates, friends, family etc.)
  • Conversations I plan to have (but don’t end up having)
  • What I’m going to do that day
  • Worries

Now my mind only seems to be filled with:

  • Backstabber (It’s like I was dating her or something- I think about her at least three times a day which is kind of unhealthy. The other day I was obsessing about the terrible way she did her hair yesterday and the day before and I wished that I was her friend so that I could tell her (???)
  • Science
  • World & Human race
  • Slither’s Tale
  • My feelings (This kind of made me smile because I wrote a short story called ‘This Feeling’ and for a minute there I thought it was called ‘My Feeling’ which would totally make a weird title…)

I’ve got such a bad memory (more like ‘selective memory’) so I’m not sure if I remember writing about this, but I recently downloaded this Depression CBT self-help because even though SAM helped me for a while, I didn’t see much progress. But I don’t think it’s SAM’s fault. I think maybe it’s because it’s designed for reducing anxiety, whereas my problem is quite different.

I probably didn’t mention this, but ever since Backstabber became known to me as Backstabber and even before that, I had returned to that ‘depressive mode’ again. I’d been trying my best to push it away (or at least hide it) for Backstabber’s sake, but sometimes it was hard and I’d handle that by not speaking to anyone in the morning and keeping my head down. Of course eventually Backstabber abandoned me at the worst possible time and all my efforts back fired. I’ve probably cried more in the last 2-3 weeks than I did when school started, sometimes about Backstabber, sometimes about being alone and other times for trivial reasons such as my laptop not working and when it ever concerned my laptop, there will not only be tears but moderate… screaming though I think using that word gives the wrong idea… And after all that wailing, my laptop would work and then I’d start crying because I would feel defeated and ashamed and stupid. This happened only a few hours before. I have an unhealthy attachment to my laptop…

And it’s not just crying. Just today in Spanish (I was in the computer room) Backstabber and co were making a lot of noise, laughing like bloody hyenas and now I truly understand how annoying I must of been- WE must’ve been- as a duo. Geez Louise, I don’t even want to know. I had headphones on with music playing mostly to drown out Backstabber’s voice, but it still seemed to penetrate the music booming down my eardrums. That was no surprise; I’ve always been sensitive to her voice for some odd reason. But nevertheless it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that my skirt was so tight that it was cutting me in half and my face was a little hot and I felt like I was going to be sick. Lovely. That was probably the result of sitting by myself with three other spare computers. But it helped to listen to the works of Linkin Park and Evanescence and feeling calm.

And, you know, there have been various occasions where I’ve cried and/or sighed, acting as if the world is ending when I’ve been locked out of the house. It makes me feel annoyed, frustrated, and, when I see my sister’s face as she leisurely strolls down the street, just plain angry. She normally has the key and she’s supposed to finish before me but she always comes back late.

So, basically, even though I don’t feel this way as I’m typing now, I feel out of control- like I can’t handle my emotions. It’s either sadness or loneliness slowly creeping into my heart, growing heavier by the second until I start feeling physical manifestations, or I just explode with anger and frustration pounding my fist on anything nearby (today my thighs seemed to be the closest things) crying my eyes out and screaming at the same time or sometimes ripping paper or throwing things across the room (though it has been a while since I’ve done those things). Don’t laugh. I know I feel like laughing at how pathetic I feel, it’ll just make it worse if more people join in. And I can sense it you know, whether you’re laughing or not…

Nah, I’m just kidding.

Laugh if you want; it’s funny… in a way.

I just hope I can find future help to change the way I’m feeling. Is it even possible to become less sensitive? I hope it is.

My brother is staring at me…

Now I feel hungry, and tired. I’m going to stop here before I blab on about rubbish because I’m literally falling asleep on the keyboard.

Till the next time I post which hopefully won’t be in a weeks time! I’m gonna go procrastinate.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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2 thoughts on “Out of Control

  1. I don’t think any of this was a ‘pathetic and irritation waffle’. Thank you so much for this um… very long yet inspirational comment. I’m sorry about you losing your friends and I hope you meet incredible people in the future. About what you said- sometimes I forget that people like that aren’t worth thinking about. Sometimes I even feel like talking to Backstabber again and wishing that things were back to normal, but I won’t talk to her (you know, apart from asking what the teacher said in English if I’m too busy being lost in my own world). I’m determined to forget these feelings and I feel that I can eventually escape from the control she has over my mind. I’ll watch Kung Fu Panda and I’ll continue with the depression app and I won’t give a crap about her. Yeah, I feel totally motivated! Thanks again. You should really become like an agony aunt or something, you’d be great at this stuff! 🙂

  2. I know EXACTLY how you feel. In the last 3 years I have lost all of my friends. I never had many but now I literally have none and I’m completely alone.
    I know how you feel. You think about it every second of every day and it literally consumes you.
    It feels completely impossible to control, but it’s not.
    My first suggestion is make the most of the friends you have. You’ve told me about them on a previous occasion and they sound like absolutely incredible, kind, loving people who really care about you. They’ll be a much better best friend than that bitch ever was!
    You can move on. Try not to hang onto the past; why does it matter? If you’ve recognized what happened, and you’ve acknowledged it, move on! You don’t need to keep thinking about it. No-one is going to give a crap and if they do, YOU don’t have to give a crap! If they can’t accept that you’ve moved on, it’s their loss and not yours.
    As for that bitch, I hope she burns in the pits of hell along with Robin Thicke for his absolutely revolting attitude to his song condoning rape. I hope she burns in hell with him.
    Not really, of course. I mean, I don’t even believe in hell!
    But you know what I mean.
    Seriously though, she was no friend to you. We just have to accept that sometimes there are things that we can’t control, no matter how intelligent we may or may not be. And that’s OK.
    Focusing on the past? Where is that really going to get you? Just regretting it every moment?
    I’m not an avid ‘Gleek’ myself, but of course, I watched the Cory Monteith tribute episode (because how could I not?) and Kurt (Finn’s brother on the show – well, step-brother, but he loved him like a brother) said this to Santana, who had always been the ‘bitch’ and ended up chickening out of the nice things she was going to say about ‘Finn’:
    “Shame is a wasted emotion.”
    He said more than that but that’s the part that’s relevant.
    And it is. I mean, who the hell is going to care in the future? You made a mistake and ended up possibly irritating some people because you were under the influence of this bitch.
    No-one – NO-ONE – is going to care. I doubt anyone will even remember, but if they do, they’ll chuckle about it and say “Oh, the teenage years…” or something like that.
    It’s not going to affect your future at all, and it doesn’t have to affect your present either. You CAN just choose to block it out. There are always annoying bitches – a friend I’ve lost, Maggie, who was my best friend, is one of the most irritating, frustrating, immature and tactless morons I’ve ever had the misfortune of having to put up with, not to mention her constant desperation to be in the limelight – that you have to put up with. It sucks; it really does. One of the girls who sits in front of me in class made a joke about suicide and I’ve never been able to forgive her for it – and I’m NOT the type to hold grudges but that made me furious. I also don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Robin Thicke, but that’s not a rant I’m going to force you to put up with. It’s not important.
    Stop focusing on the backstabbing bitch (I suggest you adopt some music as your anthem; ‘The Bitch Is back’ by Elton John is a good place to start 😀 As is ‘Low’ by Kelly Clarkson. In fact, a lot of Kelly Clarkson can help you. Then again, I’m biased as hell because I adore her music – and no, it’s not just typical pop music, thanks very much :P) and start focusing on:
    •Science
    •World & Human race
    •Slither’s Tale
    •My feelings (This kind of made me smile because I wrote a short story called ‘This Feeling’ and for a minute there I thought it was called ‘My Feeling’ which would totally make a weird title…)
    Yeah! That’s good (Although be careful not to dive too far into the second one and end up with an existential crisis; if you’re a ‘Danosaur’ you’ll know what that can do to somebody)! Stick to that!
    As for the Depression CBT help that sounds like a fantastic idea, and I’m really really glad you’ve done that. It’s not easy to even take that step, and you have. I admire you for your strength and your courage, and even more so for the strength and courage it takes to admit that to whomever may stumble across your blog.
    Everything’s gonna be alright, and if you ever need a friend or just somebody who cares and is happy to chat to you – even if it is just a random bitch on the internet – I’m here for you. I’ll happily chat with you; in fact, it’d help me out too as I have literally no friends and we could help each other, perhaps! 😀
    Seriously though. You’re gonna be alright. Just stop thinking about the past because it doesn’t freaking matter.
    Go watch Kung Fu Panda 2. Despite the rumours, as far as I’m concerned it’s just as good as the first one (in fact, I personally like it more, but that’s because I like the emotions involved because I’m a weirdo who loves characters revealing their vulnerable side) and I think the ending could help, when Po tries to talk to the villain, telling him that the past doesn’t matter and “It’s what you choose to do now that matters”.
    I hope some of this pathetic and irritating waffle might’ve helped you in some way 🙂 Xx

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