Wow, finally posting on my laptop…
I know I’ve mentioned this plenty of times before, but I really think I have a problem. Now my inability to talk or socialise just seems like… well like I just stubbed my toe in the door… everyday. My point is that now that Backstabber has dumped me as a friend, I’ve been forced out of my shell, or rather pushed a tiny bit out so I’m still terrible and scared about socialising, but it doesn’t take up a lot of space in my mind.
My mind is normally filled with the following:
- The World and Human race as a whole.
- My writing (Not recently because I’ve had to put my book on hold because of GCSEs and whatnot and I haven’t been bothered to work on my short story series)
- Random thoughts
- People around me (school mates, friends, family etc.)
- Conversations I plan to have (but don’t end up having)
- What I’m going to do that day
Now my mind only seems to be filled with:
- Backstabber (It’s like I was dating her or something- I think about her at least three times a day which is kind of unhealthy. The other day I was obsessing about the terrible way she did her hair yesterday and the day before and I wished that I was her friend so that I could tell her (???)
- World & Human race
- Slither’s Tale
- My feelings (This kind of made me smile because I wrote a short story called ‘This Feeling’ and for a minute there I thought it was called ‘My Feeling’ which would totally make a weird title…)
I’ve got such a bad memory (more like ‘selective memory’) so I’m not sure if I remember writing about this, but I recently downloaded this Depression CBT self-help because even though SAM helped me for a while, I didn’t see much progress. But I don’t think it’s SAM’s fault. I think maybe it’s because it’s designed for reducing anxiety, whereas my problem is quite different.
I probably didn’t mention this, but ever since Backstabber became known to me as Backstabber and even before that, I had returned to that ‘depressive mode’ again. I’d been trying my best to push it away (or at least hide it) for Backstabber’s sake, but sometimes it was hard and I’d handle that by not speaking to anyone in the morning and keeping my head down. Of course eventually Backstabber abandoned me at the worst possible time and all my efforts back fired. I’ve probably cried more in the last 2-3 weeks than I did when school started, sometimes about Backstabber, sometimes about being alone and other times for trivial reasons such as my laptop not working and when it ever concerned my laptop, there will not only be tears but moderate… screaming though I think using that word gives the wrong idea… And after all that wailing, my laptop would work and then I’d start crying because I would feel defeated and ashamed and stupid. This happened only a few hours before. I have an unhealthy attachment to my laptop…
And it’s not just crying. Just today in Spanish (I was in the computer room) Backstabber and co were making a lot of noise, laughing like bloody hyenas and now I truly understand how annoying I must of been- WE must’ve been- as a duo. Geez Louise, I don’t even want to know. I had headphones on with music playing mostly to drown out Backstabber’s voice, but it still seemed to penetrate the music booming down my eardrums. That was no surprise; I’ve always been sensitive to her voice for some odd reason. But nevertheless it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that my skirt was so tight that it was cutting me in half and my face was a little hot and I felt like I was going to be sick. Lovely. That was probably the result of sitting by myself with three other spare computers. But it helped to listen to the works of Linkin Park and Evanescence and feeling calm.
And, you know, there have been various occasions where I’ve cried and/or sighed, acting as if the world is ending when I’ve been locked out of the house. It makes me feel annoyed, frustrated, and, when I see my sister’s face as she leisurely strolls down the street, just plain angry. She normally has the key and she’s supposed to finish before me but she always comes back late.
So, basically, even though I don’t feel this way as I’m typing now, I feel out of control- like I can’t handle my emotions. It’s either sadness or loneliness slowly creeping into my heart, growing heavier by the second until I start feeling physical manifestations, or I just explode with anger and frustration pounding my fist on anything nearby (today my thighs seemed to be the closest things) crying my eyes out and screaming at the same time or sometimes ripping paper or throwing things across the room (though it has been a while since I’ve done those things). Don’t laugh. I know I feel like laughing at how pathetic I feel, it’ll just make it worse if more people join in. And I can sense it you know, whether you’re laughing or not…
Nah, I’m just kidding.
Laugh if you want; it’s funny… in a way.
I just hope I can find future help to change the way I’m feeling. Is it even possible to become less sensitive? I hope it is.
My brother is staring at me…
Now I feel hungry, and tired. I’m going to stop here before I blab on about rubbish because I’m literally falling asleep on the keyboard.
Till the next time I post which hopefully won’t be in a weeks time! I’m gonna go procrastinate.
~EpicCupcake signing out.