Sometimes I wonder if life will be like this forever. Will I always be depressed and have a lingering pain in my chest whenever I think that I’m happy? Will I always be alone because I too scared to find my voice? Will I always be hate myself because the person I am? Will I always keep my worries to myself because I fear that I’d bother the people around me and push them away?
Will I ever be content with my life and stop looking at others?
You know, believe it or not, this was not part of my plan at all. Back in primary I seriously believed that in high school:
1. I would have a group of best friends who would be just as amazing as my primary friends.
2. I would get to know some of their guy friends and eventually befriend them also.
3. One of them would become my boyfriend.
4. I would go to prom with him.
5. We would get married, have children and still hang out with the others even in our busy married life.
6. We would live happily ever after. The end.
Of course, my plan had some flaws:
1. By the end of primary school, I had changed. I suddenly was super shy and I spent a lot of my first year in high school alone because I couldn’t talk. As well as that, my only real ‘best friends’ turned out to be a backstabber and someone, let’s call her Mari, who ended up complicating backstabber’s life and hardly talked to me by the end of year 9. Now she doesn’t even come into school… But I’ll explain her story another time.
2. Backstabber and Mari hardly knew any boys. BS was hated in primary school and Mari… well… she was kind of… how so I say this nicely? She kind of threw herself at random guys and is probably living with a 19 year old right now, but I don’t actually know; it’s just a rumour but apparently she was seen at Tesco or something… So basically they didn’t no any, dare I say, decent guys.
3. I am seriously the worst person to get stuck with, as I’ve seen from backstabber. I’m so emotionally unstable, I never let things go, I’m so clingy, I’m socially awkward, my face makes me seem like I’m pissed off all the time and I’m not the prettiest person around, if you know what I mean. But it’s that I believe I’m ugly. Sometimes I randomly think I’m pretty (yeah, so vain, I know…) But I don’t make an effort like other girls with makeup and stuff so I look really plain and boring. And did I mention that I’m such a tomboy? (despite the whole cutesy background with cupcakes- that’s really girly) I sit, act, think and talk like a boy (y’know, when I’m not being emotional and.). Sometimes the way I act makes me wonder if I was meant to be a girl in the first place. Maybe my Y chromosome malfunctioned and now I- nah, I’m just kidding. But seriously, if I ever had a boyfriend, they’d think they’d be going out with a dude and they’d be like ‘what the heck?’ and find it all weird and… yeah…
4. Look and problem 3.
5. Look and problem 4.
6. Look at problem ‘my-whole-entire-life’.
As you can see, I have a problem here. But it doesnt have to go according to plan. I wouldn’t have minded if I had made my best friends in high school and met my boyfriend sometime in the future, or vice versa, or even without the best friends and just the boyfriend. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if it was a girlfriend instead, as long as the love was mutual; I’m all for following my heart. As long as I had someone to be by my side so that I’d be happy.
Although I consider myself lucky to have the friend that I have now, I can’t help but feel alone and that there’s something missing from my life. I know I say this all the time but I’m sick of this! I’m sick of feeling worthless and I’m sick of feeling like a burden. For once, I would like to believe that I’m a super important part of someone’s life and that they need me. If I had just one person in my life who could depend on and I could depend on, who would love me (not necessarily romantic love) and I’d love them equally, then maybe, juuuuuust maybe, I’ll finally be able to shut up, stop complaining, moaning, longing and crying so much. It’s getting on my, and everyone else’s, nerves!
But in the meantime, I’m depending on anxiety and depression apps, my lovely friends and my determination to get me through high school at least and solve some of these issues, so here’s my new list of things I hope to accomplish:
1. Pass my GCSEs. I’ve got to focus on the most important thing.
2. Forget about backstabber. I’ve written backstabber so many times it’s almost become second nature to me. What is her name anyways? 😛
3. Find a way to rid myself of shyness/social phobia. That way I can make more friends and make life a lot easier.
4. Maintain the friendships I have now.
5. Become more independent. I don’t want to start this whole thing with someone else like I did with backstabber.
6. Learn to appreciate life and be happy.
These seem a little more realistic. Yep, I’ll definitely work towards them. 🙂
~EpicCupcake signing out.