Miss backstabber hasn’t said a word to me other than ‘can I borrow your pen?’ And a very dull ‘thanks’. It’s hard to not think about her, how she hurt me and wondering if she’ll one day apologise or act like this never happened. I know, or at least believe that that’ll never happen and to be honest, it’s best that it doesn’t.
But I’m trying my best to forget about her by not speaking to her or acknowledging her for at least a month. After that, I’ll decide whether I want to be her friend or not.
In the meantime, I’ve downloaded a little ‘helper’ to help me cope with the pain of being let down and the anxiety to socialize because, let’s face it, I’m pretty much alone now except for a couple or friends. Backstabber is hanging out with the rest of my friends so it’s kind of awkward. Her and Mandy seem like besties now. I hate it when Mandy looks at me, now that I know what she thinks about me (I can’t even sit anywhere near her for the fear of being judged. She has this snobby look and it’s really horrible.
I’m going off topic.
So recently I downloaded this app called SAM (self-help anxiety management) that was recommended by another WordPress user ages ago. I couldn’t download it at that time because I had a blackberry, but my sister gave me her old HTC so I’m using that now.
I’ve only had it for a day so I can’t say it made a profound difference to my life, but it does actually help. It helps me calm down if I feel stressed, anxious if upset and gives information and a means of managing your anxiety. I know SAM isn’t magic and it won’t transform me overnight or even in a month if I don’t make an effort. It’s me who has to make the difference; SAM is only helping me do that.
I love all of the activities especially the calm breathing one and this picture one but the best has to be the one where you type a thought and then explode it. You won’t believe how many times I typed in backstabber’s name (just once, I’m not that weird)
As I’ve mentioned earlier, I totally messed up my GCSE ensemble piece- it was a disgrace- and I was supposed to do it tomorrow but my music teacher moved it to today. I was a bit nervous but after exploding ‘piano failure’ I felt that I could do it. My teacher took a while before she was ready to record me, but this was good; it gave me enough time to get accustomed to the keys. I could play it well without making mistakes, I realised. It was only the fear that was holding me back. So I did some of the exercises/activities on SAM and practised some more before miss came back. As sure got the recording device ready and sat next to me on the stool, I felt my the tension rising. Hearing her say ‘This is Peanut playing her GCSE ensemble piece.’ I felt like sinking into the earth and nece coming out. Then I has to begin. It started off okay, but then I started to feel the pressure. I wasn’t even midway in the piece when my heart started pounded furiously in my chest. All I could feel was the impending doom coming my way. But then after a horrifying minute or so, I smashed the last keys on the piano, producing my final chord.
It was finished.
I would never have to play the beautiful yet wretched piece again… That is, until my music teacher increased the volume of the piano and said ‘now let’s do it again of full volume so we can hear the dynamics properly.
I begged her and begged her not to make me play it again. It was after school. I wanted to go home. I was still trembling from the last time but in the end I gave in. I still had the original so it couldn’t hurt to try again to aim for better marks.
The second time was better because I made an effort with the dynamics but I did make a tiny mistake that was hardly noticeable though I knew my teacher would notice. I played a note a little longer then a should have and I guess only people familiar with the piece would notice… And probably an examiner. Oh well. My heart had pounded the same way the first time, but in addition to that, my leg was shaking violently and I PRAYED that my teacher wouldn’t notice; it was SO embarrassing!
My teacher had to leave to continue with auditions for, what I thought to be, RnB band and I stayed in that room for a good ten minutes trying to get my leg to stop shaking. I did some more activities on SAM and felt better. Now I’m not shaking so much!
So in the end I wasn’t able to overcome my anxiety from playing that particular piece, but at least I was able to play it through without any major disasters… or crying. So that’s something!
Now it’s back to homework sweet homework so I’ve got to go and explode some more thoughts.
~EpicCupcake signing out.