Reboot!

After venting out my feelings, listening to other people’s advice, especially the wise words of my friend Ann and insufficientinsanity14, listening to Mozart’s 40 symphony about 10 ten times to finish my music homework, I think I’m ready to forget about it. Forget about everything. I’m not even going to mention her name. It’ll be hard, seeing her in the morning and feeling awkward and seeing Mandy in my form room (she’s in there everyday…) will be even worse because she was looking at me at lunch today and I remembered what she said about how I look depressed when I eat (???). I don’t even know how you can be depressed when you eat… unless you hate food… I’m probably most happy when I’m eating; I can be alone in my thoughts and plus… I’m eating… enough said.

It’ll also be hard to forget the four years I’ve been best friends with [insert backstabbers name here] and I won’t, you know, because I’ve had so many good memories with her and other friends (though a lso a lot of bad ones) and I’m glad for those. I’ll always love and miss those days, when sadness and stress wasn’t a major part of my life.

I’ve always had these moments, ever since [said person] got involved with boys, when I’ve thought, ‘I have to stop being her friend!’ but I’ve always ignored them. You know whenever we got in a fight, she’d always hang out with my other friends, leaving me with no one. In a way, for her, that was winning, and boy did she love to win. I’d normally ‘lose’ in the end and come running back to her and I hated that but then I though ‘for the sake of our friendship. Recently, winning for her was hanging out with Mandy and ignoring my existence. Winning for me was winning her back. I tried my best, dismissing other thoughts and eventually I was reduced to begging and she didn’t even want to give in. She wasn’t just reluctant to apologise, she was reluctant to forgive me out loud (and for what anyway? I didn’t do anything wrong!)

One thing I didn’t realise was that there was another way to win- even better way- a way that would be slow and possibly painful, but would ensure that I’d win in the end.

I could just let it go.

Let it all go.

Let it float away.

Never think about it again.

And start again.

I came to this decision after rethinking  about sonnet 116 by Shakespeare.

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

Now I know this poem is about true love and never have I ever had romantic feelings about [insert name], I’ve thought about it, but then felt like throwing up (just kidding, she’s not that bad). Still, I think best friendship is similar. Best friendship doesn’t just change when circumstances change. You don’t stop being someone’s best friend and start being someone else’s just because they seem more appealing. Time doesn’t change best friendship either because I’m still best friends with the primary school gang and they’ve been there for me through thick and thin. I just wish we all went to the same school…

When I first analysed this poem in english today (I was sitting next to that person as well), the teacher asked for a summary of the poem and I told her what I thought but I wasn’t just telling my teacher, nor was I just explaining to the class. I was talking to her and hoped that she’d get the message. She probably didn’t; she doesn’t like to think in depth.

So what happens now? I don’t have a best friend I can depend on in school, she won’t talk to me anymore (I was observing her today and the only thing she said to me was good morning when I greeted her and ‘vampires.’ when I tried to join in with the conversation she and Mandy were having. Even Mandy spoke more to me at that moment!). If I can’t even get more than three words from her, I guess that it’s best we don’t talk at all. I’d be happy. She’d be happy. We would both win. I’ll have to force myself to get over my fear of talking to others, Ann told me that there are plenty of girls in my year that’ll be happy to talk to me (she also said that I was interesting to talk to). I’m quite proud of myself. Even though I cried at school because of said person, because I wasn’t with her, I made conversation with lots of different people and that means I’m winning.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing this to ‘win’; i’m doing this to be happy and happiness is something I really value. If I’m happy, I don’t upset and people around me don’t feel upset. For her on the other hand, perhaps it’s all about winning. Perhaps it’s not. I don’t know what’s going through her mind because lately she’s not as easy to read.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I want her and Mandy to be hurt (emotionally, not physically), I know it’s not what I really want. In the end, if everyone’s happy, isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I just wish that they’d understand how they’ve hurt my feelings, even if they don’t apologise. If said person ever feels that she’s made a mistake and that she wants to be my friend again (because she knows that she can depend on me) I will be there and I will accept her with open arms even if she doesn’t apologise but I will never be her best friend again. Never.

So in short, I’m going to:

  1. Forget about [what’s her name? 😛 ]
  2. Get on with my life
  3. Invest more in my other friendships
  4. Continue blogging
  5. Focus on my exams
  6. Be happy!

And that’s all there is! Motivational picture?

Yep! Now I’m totally motivated! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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4 thoughts on “Reboot!

  1. Oh my God; can’t believe I never saw this! I can’t thank you enough for mentioning me in this and I’m so, so glad to see that things are at least good enough that you don’t just brush those things off as ‘impossible’. I’m so glad things are getting better for you because you deserve much better friends than her. I’m not saying I would be any better than she is, but if I was at your school, I would totally hang out with you if you didn’t have anyone 🙂 Xx

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