Say What You Feel Like Saying

I’m going to take advantage of this little free time I have a write something:

I’m a very held-back person- the exact opposite to my friend Grace who literally say anything that comes across her mind. I, on the other hand, think of something to say but never say it. And it’s sad really, because I try so hard to think of something worthwhile to say, but end up coming up with random rubbish.

I just wish I could open my mouth and just say what’s on my mind. But, then again, there’s the problem of people hating me or talking about me behind my back and who can forget the major problem- who would listen? I’m practically (sometimes, I believe I’m literally) invisible!

Y’know back in primary school, Grace and I (though we didn’t know each other at the time) were opposites. Grace was quiet and unsociable and I was loud and energetic. Still, being loud and energetic and being able to say exactly what’s on my mind did no good for me. My primary school ‘classmates’ gave me varies labels: ‘annoying’, ‘moody’, ‘cry-baby’ (I cried a lot) etc. and I think that’s why I’m the way I am now. I’m always, dare I say, ‘scared’ of being disproved of and my primary goal is to get people to like me. That’s probably why I turned into this weird, unsociable, shy, held-back girl who tries her best to please people and doesn’t let them know how she’s feeling or give them the chance to talk about me behind my back. That didn’t work; I got labeled as rude because I hardly talked. In fact, back in year eight, this girl who was in my art class (and a lot of my other classes) once commanded me to speak. I was embarrassed by that but I hid that by giving her an odd look and saying ‘Um… hi?’.

Recently, I’ve been trying to convince myself that none of it matters and I think it’s working, but very, very, sloooooooowly. But it doesn’t matter, I’m finally coping with school and I don’t feel as crazy as I normally do. I still need to work on the eye contact thing though. I try to make eye contact but then look like I’m staring right into someone’s soul and then avoid it all together. Yep… gotta sort that out…

I still wonder what life will be like when I reach college. I’ll still be the same at home- as childish as ever- but I’m worried about making friends and that sort of stuff. I had a taster day at the college that’s linked to my school and the boy’s school across the road. In the taster physics lesson I had, the class was literally a sea of boys with three other girls from my school and I had a major coughing fit because I was so nervous. I was scarred for life. I guess it wasn’t all that bad; it was almost like the boys weren’t there because when the teacher asked questions, only us girls answered. Eventually the teacher got some of the guys to answer, but he didn’t get much out of them… This is what the class looked like:

Image

 

I was in the front row filled with only boys. Oh the horror. It’s not like I can’t talk to them, no I’ve had much practice talk to a handful of Grace’s friends (she’s a guy magnet, seriously). I guess it’s just when there are a large group of them. I just pray that there will be more girls in my physics class next year and I hope everyone will be as enthusiastic as me (I’m a totally science nerd 🙂 )

I’ve totally gone off topic…

Well anyway…

Mary Hooper’s books are pretty good. Especially ‘Newes from the Dead’

Yeah…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

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