Because I’m stupid.

Just a short post this time! Hopefully…

Today, I did something relatively stupid. (apart from spending most of my day doing a Genshiken marathon, finishing the first two seasons, instead of revising…)

It all started when I went to the supermarket with my mum after an asthma check-up. I was feeling especially greedy and I wasn’t satisfied with just yum-yums, prawns crackers and yogurt. No, today I was a sugar-lusting monster.
Although I didn’t think it had the sugar I was looking for, I had a sudden urge for pokki, commonly known as Pocky in English, a type of thin bread stick snack with  strawberry or chocolate coating.
Of course the shop had failed me yet again in supplying me with my beautiful Pocky so I decided to try the one that had been beside Pocky when it was there. It was called Pepero. I wasn’t sure about the taste; it didn’t look as nice as Pocky, but then again I had tried something similar called Mikado which was just as good. I was somehow desperate so without another though, I picked and paid for it.

When I got home an tried it, I realised the taste wasn’t up to scratch. ‘Perhaps it’s dark chocolate?’ I thought to myself but I kept eating anyway despite the fact that I hate dark chocolate, but there was a strange taste that caught my attention. It was something unfamiliar, yet familiar.
This bugged me a great deal so I checked the ingredients list just so I knew what I was eating. I’m very sensitive so I do this all the time. My jaw lalmost dropped to the floor when I saw this one word.
Now I know that I’ve mentioned somewhere that I’m allergic to nuts. Well, the truth is that I’m not sure, because I’ve never been tested for them in general. I can handle them and be around them without reacting to them much but eating them makes my throat sore so I’ve avoided them for a couple of years now.
The packet mentioned ‘traces of nuts’ but that didn’t worry me because I eat a lot of things with traces and I’m fine; it won’t be enough to make me react.
What I was actually worried about was the word ‘almonds’. I have been tested for almonds and I’m definitely allergic to those. Of course the Pepero sticks were small and even though I ate a lot of them, the almond content must’ve been low. Still, I was worried and so I drank loads of water and took some medicine and I was… okay-ish, nothing serious. But I’m definitely feeling some effect now. I feel like there’s a big lump in my throat, my whole body feels so itchy and irritated and my arms are sore from scratching. I wonder what would happen if I ate an actual almond, as in not crushed or anything. Actually, I don’t want to know. I’m already being tortured now… Whether it’s physical or psychological, I don’t know, but I’m definitely feeling it.

I think we all know there’s a lesson on this, if not two:
Always read the ingredients list!

And another:
Don’t be greedy! Greedy can lead to allergic reactions. The same thing happened to me during the ‘Tuna Incident’…

Hopefully next time this won’t happen… I’ve learnt my lesson…

~EpicCupcake
signing out.

Dear Self,

I really loved this post, the way it takes an outside view on oneself. (‘oneself’? Too posh for my vocabulary…)
Anyway…

The Social Anxietist

When I think of you, I remember all the times you’ve failed and the times you could have tried harder. So many times you’ve disappointed me. But I can’t deny you’ve made me smile too. There are a lot of things you’ve managed to do right; not everything you’ve handled has ended up in failure. Although you’ve made mistakes along the way, you’ve never missed the lessons they’ve taught you.

I don’t want people to judge you but I’m the one who judges you the most. I’ve expected you to live by everyone else’s standards that actually seem to be flawed. All I wonder is why you can’t just be normal and happy like the rest of the world – but sometimes I wonder if they really are happy and normal.

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Peanut’s Oddities

EDIT: I was supposed to post this last night but it didn’t upload for some reason. I’m uploading it now because I spent a good long time sitting on the floor in darkness to write this (don’t ask)
I feel a bit guilty today.
You see, I got my progress report yesterday, and yeah this isn’t very modest, but it was really good and I felt relieved. Perhaps I was working hard. But today I COMPLETELY procrastinated so I felt like I was taking it easy and being a bit big-headed. Oh well, what’s done is done. From Monday onwards I’ll be doing some hardcore revision! I’ll even do some this weekend too!

Back to the topic.
This is a really random post, but today (or rather tonight because I’m still doing this nightly posting… That is, until my internet runs out…) I’m going to talk about some of my weird habits, just so you can know more about me and the weirdo I am. 🙂 So, what shall I write first?

1. I pace around every morning at six o’clock.
Just because I’m brushing my teeth really. There’s no other reason to pace around at 6 am. But it’s not just the morning. I pace at random times, especially when I’m getting changed after coming home from school. I just can’t seem to stay in one place! In fact, just now before I started writing, I was pacing back and forth, into my room and out. I thought it was weird and I tried to stop, but I got this kind of tingling feeling in my legs so I just continued.
But, you know, when I pace, I’m normally deep in thought, which explains why I get a lot of my story ideas when I’m brushing my teeth. Even just walking to school gets my brain working and I think a lot about science and philosophy and attempt to conjure up theories to explain things. I sometimes come up with bizarre ideas though.

2. When it comes to speaking, I won’t open my mouth if the person is three or more meters away from me.
It’s a little rule I have for no reason whatsoever but I hate breaking it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I break it sometimes, though rarely, in cases where the person speaks to me. It would just be horrible not to reply.

3. Another rule similar to this is to not turn around if someone calls my name.
I have to wait until they say it twice, even if I’m fairly close (in terms of friendship, not distance) to them. It’s weird though, because there’s no one in my year with my name…

4. I give different types of cutlery numerical values to satisfy my need for order.
Basically, you know how, when you wash dishes, you put the cutlery in these two little box thingies that let them dry. Well, I always make sure that the ‘values’ on both sides are equal and when they’re not, I start shifting them around, changing the individual values and whatnot. It can be really frustrating sometimes.

5. I’m scared of turning off the light.
I know being afraid of the dark is normal, but it’s not that. In fact, right now I’m sitting on the floor in darkness which is, now that I think about it, pretty spooky, but I’m pretty much over my fears of the dark. No, what I’m talking about is when I’m walking up to my room for some reason and notice that someone’s left their light on. I’d feel guilty for leaving it on and wasting electricity, so I go to turn it off but before I can flick the switch, I feel uncomfortable; like someone’s watching me. And that if I turn the light off, they’ll be angry, so I leave the light on and pretend I was never there. 

6. I hardly answer the phone.
I’m too scared to, so I go to great efforts to avoid answering it. I’m so good at ignoring it that sometimes I don’t even hear the phone ringing!

7. I check the corners of the ceiling before I sleep.
No, I’m not scouting for vampires. No, something much worse… Spiders… They scare the life out of me and there’s nothing that unsettled me more than a spider. Not even public speaking!

8. I pick my nails.
It’s a habit that I started a very very long time ago. Back when my eczema was really bad, my nails would be full with dead skin from all the scratching and the oils and creams I used only made the contents of my nails worse. Nowadays, my eczema isn’t so unbearable so my nails aren’t as bad, but the habit stayed with me. I’m always picking the tiniest bit of dirt from my nails so they are actually pretty clean. And even when they are clean, I still pick them because it’s something that I have to control over. I especially do it when I’m listening to someone or when I’m bored or when I’m nervous or just randomly. And it doesn’t help that my nails are long because that only encourages me to do it.
Gosh, I hope you don’t think I’m gross now.

9. I rarely call people by their name.
I don’t five nicknames either. It just feels so uncomfortable to call someone by their name and it doesn’t help that I’m a socially awkward person. When I do call people’s names, I say it in a soft voice as I normally do when talking to people in general. Some people don’t apply to this ‘rule’ so I guess it’s not that bad… Still, I don’t know how I’ll my teachers by their names in college. That’ll be hell.

10. I always have a ‘spot’.
It’s no surprise that people compare me with Sheldon Cooper and it’s not just because of my love of quantum physics and… physics in general. For every place I stay in repeatedly for a long, I have a spot. In my form room, I have two spots which allows me to have an alternative which is better because before, I had one spot and would actually challenge anyone who sat there. It’s the same at home as well and probably other places, like in the hall during an assembly. I normalsly sit I’m the third seat at the front and last week another form got there before us and my space was taken. I was heart broken. Okay, maybe I was that upset…

So those are some weird things about me! Believe it or not, it was hard to come up with this list, probably because I’m so weird that a lot of these things seem normal to me.

Well I’ll stop here because the floor is very uncomfortable and I’m cold. And tired. I’m always tired…
Till next time.

~EpicCupcake

signing out.

Just a life update…

… Nothing much.

So, how are you, lost traveller? Today, I’ve been feeling quite happy and what’s strange is that I’m still weirdly happy, because normally I feel like shit at the end of the day. And now that I think about it (which I really shouldn’t) I have a lot of things to be sad about.
I lost my pen, my folding 30cm and my P.E kit and I can’t get back to school till november. :/
If the school are stupid enough to throw it away then, yeah, that’s pretty serious, but hey, I’ve got a back up kit! All I need now are trainers…
The second thing, or person, is Backstabber. The other day I was pretty upset about the whole not-fitting-on-to-any-friendship-groups thing and I also felt unusual strong feelings of hate towards her so didn’t sit next to her in English. I’m not sure whether or not that was the reason she shot me death stares throughout the day but I can tell she was angry. I don’t feel guilty though; she totally embarrassed me in chemistry the other day and it really hurt. And not only that, but she also told something to my sister that I told her in confidence as if it were a light matter. That made me furious. If you ask me, she deserved whatever she’s feeling now.
Do you know what I found out today about her? My friend who’s been really supportive and nice to me, let’s call her Cinnamon because I feel that somehow suits her, told me that Backstabber came up to her and said that she won’t be her friend anymore because she’s my friend. We were really angered by this. She was practically threatening her. Cinn said  that she didn’t have the right to tell her who to be friends with and I said that regardless of whether they are friends with your so called ‘enemy’, if you’re a true friend, it wouldn’t matter. Oh well, ‘good riddance’ I say. No one needs people like that.
You know, I think that’s the reason why my friend, the other girl she hangs out with, alongside Mandy, has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even look at me and the only way Backstabber knows her if through me and Mari (she was actually Mari’s best friend… It’s funny how things turn out, ne?) who Backstabber also disowned.
But you know the reason I’m not bothered? Why the physical manifestations (mostly shortage of breath and feelings of sickness in some cases)? It’s because I had one of those moments when you look on one of your problems and worries and think ‘was I really stressing over this…?’ I hate to say it, since I’ve been her friend for almost half a decade, but she’s kind of pathetic and I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that when I look at her sometimes, I think about a little puppy trying to get out of a box thrice it’s size and trying to do so without any help when it’s just right there, within reach.
I wasn’t just imagining it at open day, she is lonely, despite whatever airs she puts on when I’m around and she’s with Mandy laughing her head off. If I could count the number of times she glanced and stared at me and looked like she just tripped over and landed in dog poo and quickly ran out of lessons to avoid me, just today, you’d be surprised. In Spanish, I loudly called my teacher, not so Backstabber could hear me, but just so I could get my quick question answered before the controlled conditions started. I might as well have called out just to annoy,Backstabber because she was truly shooting me daggers then and I had to stop myself laughing- what I do when I feel uncomfortable, but it was kind of funny, the face she made at least.

Sometimes I wish that I could tell her that it’s her loss, but there wouldn’t be a point, she won’t learn and I doubt she will.

I feel that even though I will again feel pain about this and cry about not fitting in, I think the worst is over and that I have a nice,future to look forward to as long as I  learn the lessons that I’ve been taught in the experience.

The lessons? I’m in no position to give life lessons being the way I am, but I feel that these are very important.
The first is to never invest in one particular friendship; it doesn’t work… at all… The second is to look at your worries realistically. The third is to let things go, but remember that it takes time to heal. There’s also no point in trying to act as if you’re okay. It’s emotionally exhausting and only make it worse. It’s better to about your problems regularly and try not to hold back, but don’t overwhelm people with your problems. Overwhelming should be left for blogs and diaries. 😉

Well, I’ll just focus on my school work for now as well as my friendships. I’ll try not to worry about bs because she’s not worth the trouble. Sorry if I don’t blog for a while over these next few months; I’ll be doing my mocks soon, but down stay clear of my blog for a few months  because I will post for definite.

I’m tired now.
Goodnight.

~EpicCupcake
signing out.

Empty.

I’m feeling pretty empty inside right now…
Perhaps it’s because I feel a bit lonely. I don’t think that it’s because of school because I feel like I’m adapting well (you know, after 4 years of hanging by only one person’s side…) I feel that I’m more independent and that I’m closer to my other friends. This half term, I hope to hand out with my friends as well as my primary school buddies as long as we don’t decide to procrastinate.

I’m still as shy as ever, probably a bit better than I was before, but I’m still having those horrible sensations whenever I’m around Backstabber. I didn’t feel them that much today in English, but I acted a little strange in that lesson.
For one thing, I talked to her and was being quite cold towards her. She hardly talked back except when she said ‘can I have my sheet’ when I was looking at it and ‘oh well’ when I corrected her spelling.
As she sat beside me she looked lifeless but as soon as age turned over to talk, suddenly she had the will to live again. That really pissed me off… Throughout the lesson I was tempted to throw a highlighter at her head or draw on her with my pen leaving a long how,k mark running down her lifeless dull face. I was so close to doing that, I swear. I feel like I’m being dragged back into crazy land again and I don’t know what it’s like because I’d probably forget it all, but according to my primary buddies, I was a hopeless wreck. Okay, they didn’t use those words, but from what they told me, that was the kind of impression I got.

I’m such a fricking weirdo.

I’m surprisingly calm tonight, but I felt that I needed to write so I could feel a little less hollow. I started think about the whole ‘I-wish-that-I-had-someone-by-my-side-like-Backstabber-was’ thing and I hate myself for not being stronger. I mean, sure it’s better to be with friends, but I want to be more dependent so that I won’t feel like so much of a burden. I want to be someone that people depend on, though I don’t want to taken advantage of. Perhaps if I was like that, I wouldn’t feel so empty and hollow inside.

I’m tired, so I’m going to end this nighttime post before I doze off and drop my phone behind my bed. I would like to say goodnight, but I’m noti going to because I doubt you’d be reading it this night. So… Until next time…

Oh! And tomorrow (or today if you’re reading this on tuesday) is my brother’s first birthday! Eee! I can’t wait. I hope my mum buys Victoria sponge- I hate chocolate cake. So yes, have little Kai on your mind tomorrow/today and wish him a happy birthday, he’ll be happy. 🙂

Okay, I’m seriously tired now. Again, till next time!

~EpicCupcake

signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.