Today I’m feeling down… again. It’s been a while since I’ve posted so I’ll fill you in. Lately these last few day, I’ve been feeling… okay, like a normal self, y’know- not crazy. But today there was an open evening at my school. I absolutely loved the one we had last week because I was representing the science department and since there was only three of us prefects (plus our pregnant teacher) We did a lot of work showing the displays and telling people about our school. Great. Loved it.
Today however, I wasn’t in the science department because as a music student, I had to represent music as well and boy was it depressing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music was good, excellent even (apart from the year 10 group- sorry year 10s…) , but I was only doing african drumming so I didn’t get to participate for the majority of the time. Boring, but fair enough.
But in my music class, I have no one to talk to. Sure, there are a few that I strike up conversation with once in a while, but most of those people had to help out with other things. Most of the seats around me (we sat in a circle) were empty.
As I sat there in silence, not able to even read because I had to leave my bag elsewhere, and watched everyone having fun, chatting, laughing etc. and it made me realise how lost I really am without Grace. Grace is my only true friend in my school. I’m pretty sure everyone else has gossiped and said horrible things about me. I would know because I’ve been told. The other day someone told me ‘fuck you’ (for picking up a pen for someone when it was on the floor and she didn’t want me to pick it up?????). That same rude girl who tried to steal my seat just as I was about to sit down and when I told her that I was going to sit there, she told me:
‘You’ll go to hell for that’
Why are people so judgmental? Why can’t they just shut up if they can’t say anything nice about anybody? ‘Shut up you horrible people and stop judging others!’ I’d just love to be able to say (shout) that in their face, but of course, I can’t even make words come out of my mouth, let alone those words. I hate that because I’m quiet, people think that I’m a snob and that I’m rude.
What even made it worse today was that no one really bothered to notice me let alone talk to me. Sure, I should’ve made the first move if I wanted a conversation, but I can’t do that because I can’t open my mouth! I’m too scared to talk. Why? Who knows? I surely don’t. I ask myself this question almost every day!
When walking home after wards, I pretty sure these year 10 girls were laughing at me when I got out a book to read on the bus. I don’t really know what was their problem but they sure had some nerve. That just did it for me. By the time I was waiting for a bus that I had just missed as I arrived at the stop (figures) and probably being laughed at my these guys walking past me (one of them looked at me as they were talking) I just started crying. It was just so embarrassing. I had to hide my face and keep wiping my eyes discreetly.
That point onwards, I was filling my head with all sorts of thoughts. Mainly that I was useless in open evening and that it would’ve mattered if I was there or not. That I couldn’t sing as well as the soloists or play as well as the others. That I hardly have anyone I can call a friend apart from Grace. That I was practically a loner. That girls hate me. That boys make fun of me (I was once publicly humiliated on the bus by these boys who were probably 2 years younger than me and I felt like I wanted to die.). That I’ll never go to prom, make friends in college, have a boyfriend or get married. That I’ll stay the sad lonely person I am for the rest of my life…
That I hate myself.
That it’s everyone’s fault.
That there is a great power out there or organisation that is planning my every downfall so that it will eventually lead to suicide.
That eventually I’ll lose it and give in to the mysterious great power or organisation and commit the act,
I’m actually scared that this (whatever this is) will just make me lose sense of everything and I’ll just take my life. It doesn’t sound like it’ll happen soon, or ever will happen, but these thoughts are just driving me crazy. I’m beginning to want to skip school and just lock myself in my room day and night, but I know that’s no way to live and in the future, things would just get more difficult. I’m trying my best to fight the sadness, to fight the strange school fever that always haunts me and to fight shyness, social anxiety or whatever this is that I’m facing. I’m really thinking of seeing a doctor but whenever I think about it, I just think that whatever I’m feeling isn’t major or anything and that I’m just being a brat. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified of the thought to see a psychiatrist. For now I guess, I’ll just focus on my studies and find ways to distract myself from whatever pain I’m feeling.
I’m sorry you had to read all this depressing stuff. I don’t like it when people see this side of me, but I just had to write (or type rather).
Here’s something funny to lighten the mood:
And something that’s just plain stupid:
Yep, I feel much better.
~EpicCupcake signing out.