I really don’t care!

Hello! I am feeling energetic today! So energetic that I want to write a post! (Y’know, since I neglected my blog for so long)

As you’ve probably guessed, I’m actually happy for once and it’s weird. It feels like I haven’t been my cheerful self for ages and it was what Grace told me that made me realise this. I’ll get to what she said later.

Anyways, today was the second day of my English controlled conditions for GCSEs and blah blah blah. And before I started, I started randomly saying/singing ‘I’m s-s-s-sorry. I’m s-s-s-s-sorry.’ In a deep voice and I noticed a girl laughing. I was only after looking up to her oddly that I realised she was laughing at me and I got really embarrassed. This wasn’t the first time I felt embarrassed in an English lesson (and during a controlled conditions for that matter) and at that time I couldn’t actually help it. i had this sort of coughing fit and the whole class started laughing. I don’t really feel like going into that story. So anyways, as she laughed and said something to her friend beside her, I began to think up excuses that could justify singing/speaking and then I said to myself (in my mind, of course)

I doesn’t actually matter.

So then I continued with my essay, trying my best to believe that so that I wouldn’t destroy my good mood. Eventually I forgot. It worked! For once…

I had P,E, after that. It was a single period so we just played football for the whole time. Our P.E. groups are actually our English groups this year, since P.E. comes after English. I love football by the way (playing it, that is. Not watching it) though I’m no good at scoring. I think I’m great at defending though; I’m always good at defending in sports. I found myself being tackled by the same girl (she does GCSE P.E. so you can imagine how scared I was (no  really, to be honest, but still…). I kind of messed up at one point and kept kicking the wrong leg because she kept kicking the ball in the other direction and I must’ve done this weird jumpy thing because after I’d successfully kicked the ball away from the goal (and her) she burst out laughing and went to her friend who was the keeper in my team. I walked off, with my eye on the ball thinking:

The ball is going towards your goal so… jokes on you, mate.


And I continued with the game. I didn’t even feel the least bit embarrassed- I didn’t care! This was weird because I always care. When someone tells me that so-and-so doesn’t like me, I obsess over it and end up doing or saying something stupid.

And that leads me to the main point of this point.

After school, I was talking to Grace and then suddenly, this girl, let’s call her Mandy, walks up to Grace and totally interrupts us. Yeah, this pissed me off because she always interrupts us everyday and it really gets on my nerves. After she’d finished speaking to Mandy, I told Grace how Mandy was so annoying always interrupting our conversations and Grace looking to the side awkwardly and said.

‘About Mandy…’

And then she told me what Mandy, who I, didn’t think was nice in particular, but at least respected people, said about me. She told me how she hates me because I’m moody all the time, which isn’t actually true because:

  1. This moody, upset business only lasted for a few weeks and for the end of last year and
  2. She doesn’t know anything about about me.

She also told Grace how she shouldn’t be my friend and all I could think was:

‘That backstabber!’ I also said that out loud.

I wasn’t too shocked though, she usually ignores my existence even though I say hi to her and try to be friendly and talkative towards her especially since my whole depressed episode. Strangely enough, the thought escaped my mind and I forgot about her for a good hour or so (after school club) but as I walked home, I thought about what I should do about it. I had told Grace that I was going to talk to her about it but of course she asked me not to; Mandy had asked her not to tell me, but I seriously want to tell her that it isn’t okay to say things about people behind their backs especially if they don’t know their situation (and in my case, I was just crazy but it’s not like I could help it). That’s the worse thing, you know- hearing that someone said something behind your back. Although it’s rude, I appreciate people who say what they think to a person’s face. Saying something behind someone’s back is not only cruel but shows that their a coward who can’t even be truthful. How can you trust someone who does it? Even Grace thinks that Mandy talks about her behind her back. I’m sure she has because she loves to gossip, even about Grace and her private life.

I’m going a little off topic. So, I decided that I could do two things:

  1. Confront her, without being rude of course, because I’m not aiming to hurt her.
  2. Leave it alone.

As I was about to just leave it alone, I decided to do something else. As a scientist, I decided to do an experiment. I would be as friendly as possible to Mandy, compliment her, try to have a nice conversation with her and try and join in with their conversations. Then I’ll ask Grace what she says about me.

I know this sounds like I care, but I actually don’t. I just want to try an experiment now that I have the chance. I guess this short story series I’m writing is influencing me (it has major science and psychology themes), but I might end up not doing it. I have exams and stuff so I can’t really be bothered. Maybe it’s the exams that are making everything seem so trivial. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I just feel so energetic and happy. Maybe it’s because earlier my baby bro fell on his side cause he laughed so much, I kept lying even after. Anyway (I keep saying that) I’m kind of hungry and I have homework to do so…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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My Rants: It sucks…

Today I’m feeling down… again. It’s been a while since I’ve posted so I’ll fill you in. Lately these last few day, I’ve been feeling… okay, like a normal self, y’know- not crazy. But today there was an open evening at my school. I absolutely loved the one we had last week because I was representing the science department and since there was only three of us prefects (plus our pregnant teacher) We did a lot of work showing the displays and telling people about our school. Great. Loved it.

Today however, I wasn’t in the science department because as a music student, I had to represent music as well and boy was it depressing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music was good, excellent even (apart from the year 10 group- sorry year 10s…) , but I was only doing african drumming so I didn’t get to participate for the majority of the time. Boring, but fair enough.

But in my music class, I have no one to talk to. Sure, there are a few that I strike up conversation with once in a while, but most of those people had to help out with other things. Most of the seats around me (we sat in a circle) were empty.

As I sat there in silence, not able to even read because I had to leave my bag elsewhere, and watched everyone having fun, chatting, laughing etc. and it made me realise how lost I really am without Grace. Grace is my only true friend in my school. I’m pretty sure everyone else has gossiped and said horrible things about me. I would know because I’ve been told. The other day someone told me ‘fuck you’ (for picking up a pen for someone when it was on the floor and she didn’t want me to pick it up?????). That same rude girl who tried to steal my seat just as I was about to sit down and when I told her that I was going to sit there, she told me:

‘You’ll go to hell for that’

Why are people so judgmental? Why can’t they just shut up if they can’t say anything nice about anybody? ‘Shut up you horrible people and stop judging others!’ I’d just love to be able to say (shout) that in their face, but of course, I can’t even make words come out of my mouth, let alone those words. I hate that because I’m quiet, people think that I’m a snob and that I’m rude.

What even made it worse today was that no one really bothered to notice me let alone talk to me. Sure, I should’ve made the first move if I wanted a conversation, but I can’t do that because I can’t open my mouth! I’m too scared to talk. Why? Who knows? I surely don’t. I ask myself this question almost every day!

When walking home after wards, I pretty sure these year 10 girls were laughing at me when I got out a book to read on the bus. I don’t really know what was their problem but they sure had some nerve. That just did it for me. By the time I was waiting for a bus that I had just missed as I arrived at the stop (figures) and probably being laughed at my these guys walking past me (one of them looked at me as they were talking) I just started crying. It was just so embarrassing. I had to hide my face and keep wiping my eyes discreetly.

That point onwards, I was filling my head with all sorts of thoughts. Mainly that I was useless in open evening and that it would’ve mattered if I was there or not. That I couldn’t sing as well as the soloists or play as well as the others. That I hardly have anyone I can call a friend apart from Grace. That I was practically a loner. That girls hate me. That boys make fun of me (I was once publicly humiliated on the bus by these boys who were probably 2 years younger than me and I felt like I wanted to die.). That I’ll never go to prom, make friends in college, have a boyfriend or get married. That I’ll stay the sad lonely person I am for the rest of my life…

That I hate myself.

That it’s everyone’s fault.

That there is a great power out there or organisation that is planning my every downfall so that it will eventually lead to suicide.

That eventually I’ll lose it and give in to the mysterious great power or organisation and commit the act,

I’m actually scared that this (whatever this is) will just make me lose sense of everything and I’ll just take my life. It doesn’t sound like it’ll happen soon, or ever will happen, but these thoughts are just driving me crazy. I’m beginning to want to skip school and just lock myself in my room day and night, but I know that’s no way to live and in the future, things would just get more difficult. I’m trying my best to fight the sadness, to fight the strange school fever that always haunts me and to fight shyness, social anxiety or whatever this is that I’m facing. I’m really thinking of seeing a doctor but whenever I think about it, I just think that whatever I’m feeling isn’t major or anything and that I’m just being a brat. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified of the thought to see a psychiatrist. For now I guess, I’ll just focus on my studies and find ways to distract myself from whatever pain I’m feeling.

I’m sorry you had to read all this depressing stuff. I don’t like it when people see this side of me, but I just had to write (or type rather).

Here’s something funny to lighten the mood:

And something that’s just plain stupid:

Italian memory

Yep, I feel much better.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Last Night

This morning, I put on Balamory on the wii for my brother and I caught this:

Pedophile maybe???

AAAAAAAnyway…

Last night I had a load of strange dreams but I can only remember three so I thought I might as well share them.

1. I’ll tell you in story for to make it sound interesting. This is set in Grace’s house and I’m talking to her brother:

He sat beside me with a wide grin planted on him face as usual, but this time it seemed that he had something to tell me. I gave him an odd look, but waited for him to speak. Finally he spoke. “Peanut, come closer, I have something to tell you.”

“What?” I said.  

“Just come closer.”

“Um… okay…” I edged closer towards him, my head slightly turned to encourage him to speak. “What is it?”

“A little bit closer.”

What is it that’s so important and so secretive that I have to be so close just to hear what it is, I wondered, but moved closer nevertheless.

“Closer.” He repeated, his voice was strangely 

“Seriously, what’s so importa-” But before I could finish my sentence, his lips were pressed onto mine, silencing me. My eyes widened and I was frozen. Why was he kissing me? Does he like me? What if Grace comes in? After a while, he drew his lips away, but I was still as still as a statue.

“Geez Louise…” I murmured.

Confused

And that was it. I was really shocked when I woke up because it felt really real, but I was more surprised at the fact that I dreamt it. I’m pretty sure I don’t have a crush on Grace’s brother, but I think I had that dream because two days ago, I went to Grace’s house and her brother was acting a little strange (like normal though. He and Grace both smile too much) and he  talked to me while Grace was downstairs.

2. I’m going to find it hard to describe this one because my point of view changes quite a lot, but the best way I can describe it is that I was in a kind of game land thing and it felt really familiar, almost nostalgic. It was like I had had that dream before. The aim was to stay alive in this dark sinister game world and avoid the dark lava on the ground underneath as the ground above it was disappearing. I was with a couple of other people who I just so happened to know. My point of view changed from myself to some other boy as he hid the lava floor and lost. He ended up in this place where he could either choose to join the game again or ‘quit’ and I had no idea what ‘quit’ meant because I had no idea how I got in the game in the first place. I decided to join the game again to find everyone huddled together on the safe side of the game land. We were scared and we wanted to stay there but eventually we decided to just lose the game and ‘quit’. It turned out that ‘quit’ meant to go back to the real world- reality. We were relieved. The end.

Game over lift

3. For some strange reason, my parents sold are house to live in this hotel-like place so my sister and I kind of lived the ‘suite’ life if you get what I mean. 🙂 We got to take lots of stuff for free, but for some reason, there were not locks between our rooms and other people’s rooms. It was really weird.

The Suite Life of Peanut and Jelly

So… yeah… Weird dreams…

Take a nap

Well, until later.

Click here to see a real chick magnet

EDIT: The link isn’t working properly, skip to 5:17

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Malfunctioning YouTube

Yes, YouTube is malfunctioning. I had to upload this video four times but I guess fourth times the charm, right? (Did I get that saying right?)

Anyways, this was the project I was talking about. Watching over it now made me wonder if this actually took me three days. I mean, there is so much I could’ve added and so much I could’ve improved but in the end, I don’t really have the time or the equipment so this was the best I could do.

Hope you like it anyways, it too me three days (okay fine, it took me two days (Friday afternoon, Saturday and two hours this morning). I think this post is long enough for me to write my signature catchphrase so,

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Long time no see, lost traveler.

It’s been I while since I last made a post (about a few days ago) because I was swamped with work and revision since school started. But now it’s Sunday so I can finally write something!

Not much has gone on since the last time except that my mood sometimes worsens and then I’m back to normal. I don’t want to go into details so I end this subject on this sentence.

In other news, I decided to start a mini project after spontaneously making up this catchy one verse song and they I started something else… Well anyway, it’s finally complete so I can go back to stupid revision and whatnot. The project is called ‘Malfunctioning’ and it’s kind of got this techno robot theme with themes of loneliness and neglect which never occurred to me when I made up the song in the first place.

It’s taken me about 3 days to complete using the following programs because I too poor to buy professional equipment ;):

  • Music Publisher (music)
  • Free Midi Converter (music- it’s actually a website)
  • Audacity (music)
  • Scratch (art)
  • Paint (art)
  • Windows Movie Maker (video and effects)
  • PowerDirector (video and effects)

The final project should be on youtube shortly, I’ll post a link.

Please, don’t ask me why I did this, it’s a hobby, really (I just answered the question) This will probably the last chance I have free time so… I think it was worth my time. Don’t laugh at the art, or the music, especially the vocals (because I sung them).

That’s all for now, it’s time to revise! (and do homework that’s due tomorrow :\ )

~EpicCupcake signing out.