Social Anxiety: It’s coming… IT’S COMING!!!

It’s coming everyone. Yes, that dreaded 4th of September (though it may be different for others…) And what is happening that day you ask? I’ll tell you what’s happening- I’m going back to learning prison *ahem* I mean SCHOOL!!!

It’s really strange though. During my last days of summer holiday, I always feel bored and am always itching to get back to school to see my friends, but now it’s different.

Fine, yes, it’s partly to do with my unwillingness to wake up early and put on my uniform and walk to the bus stop and… get the bus and… learn, but recently I just remembered something that the many days of relaxing in isolation has made me forget- there are people in school.

Okay… that sounded weird. What I mean is, people are scary. How can I stand stepping out into the blinding morning sunlight and pretending to walk confidently past strangers and sit on the bus while stressing. How will I be able to walk into my form room. Heck, I can’t do that anyway; I have to avert my eyes as I step in and silently sink into my seat so that nobody will notice. And then for the rest of the year, I’ll be trying to hide my existence and then wonder why I’m so invisible and then try to stand out and then get scared and then… and then…

I don’t even know what I’m staying now…

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of being… alone… For starters, I don’t even like stepping out of my house… alone… I don’t like entering my form room alone. I don’t know what I’ll do in my lessons when I’m not with Grace. (Thankfully, she’s in most of my classes) What if I have to work in groups? GROUPS?! I hate that word. When the teacher says it, everyone gathers with their friends and who do I go with? NO ONE. Until I’m forced to join a group who don’t even acknowledge me…

And what about break and lunch? I’m too shy to go up to anyone to talk to them. If Grace isn’t with me for lunch, how the heck am I supposed to find anyone to eat lunch with.

oh wait. I just remembered.

The year 11s in my school have their own separate canteen. It’s much smaller so maybe if I’m lucky I can just fit into the corner and hide or something…

And there I go again, trying to hide my existence.

*sigh*

Sorry… This post seems a little muddled, but I’m really anxious now, my fingers are trembling slightly and I’m just typing whatever comes to my mind at the moment…

But seriously, if I’m scared now, what about when school starts? How will I cope? During the last few months of school, I had something which I call ‘School Fever’ (Wasn’t really a fever but… you know… yeah). Some of the symptoms were headaches every hour of everyday, random stomach aches, the strange temptation of wanting to run away or get run over by a car (believe it or not) and fantasising about what it must be like to stay in hospital after the accident (I actually really thought about this and… well… I was a little reckless when crossing roads though I’ve still got a strong sense of safety so I don’t think it would’ve happened.) Also, I had negative thoughts a lot, especially in the morning, and that’s what would lead to the temptation of running away or going to hospital. Sometimes I would come into school and would refuse to talk… or more like I couldn’t talk. I’d just make gestures or say a few words but if anyone wanted a longer answer from me, I’d just stare… I got frustrated about not being able to tell anyone, but eventually I opened up to Grace and she seemed a bit worried. We laughed about it, of course, that’s what we do, though it was a kind of awkward laugh.

Of course that phase is over, it ended a week or two before the holidays started (the headache continued to the end of the term). It still hasn’t returned even though school is about to start (the headache) so I’m not feeling that worried, but nevertheless, I’m still panicking. I even cried about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) and talked to my sister about it… She wasn’t much help.

Still. I’m DETERMINED to be different. I WILL be able to keep my eyes of the ground when I walk and I WILL be able to talk more to people, and I WILL not make my default pissed of face, and I WILL read some yaoi manga, and I WILL work in groups happily and make an effort and interact with the people in my group, and I WILL make my A* targets!!

I WILL SHOW EVERYONE WHAT A COOL AND FUN PERSON I AM!!

Cool and fun? That’s not modest at all…

Well… all that’s left is to wait till school starts…

I actually can’t wait…

Hey! Fun fact: I was making my default pissed off face during the whole of this post! 😀

Yeah…

Time to watch anime.

NHK NI YOUKOSO!

OSU!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Advertisements

Leave a reply please!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s