Social Anxiety: Fed up

Forget revision- I’m sick of it…

After having a good cry in my room, I decided that this would be the perfect time to write a post…

So…

Yeah…

This is a little awkward…

Well, basically I’m just fed up, as the title states, because of my inability to socialise. This feeling arose as I was hanging out with my long time primary school friends. (which is quite ironic in a way…) We went to this place near central London to ice skate. It was fun. I mean, sure, I fell over a number of times, but at the end, I felt like all the professional (except from the fact that they were all doing all these fancy tricks and stuff)

But really it was after the ice skating, when we sat down and relaxed in the park, when I started to feel fed up with myself. My friends started talking about parties and boys and exciting experiences they had. They talked about their other friends and their friendship groups. They starting to talk about movies, music and tv shows, and being the lame person that I am, I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversations except useless crap and in the time that I was silent, I began to think about myself and- brace yourself, this will be lame- how I don’t really fit into any friendship group, have I’ve never been to parties, how I’ve never talked to boy, how I clam up when I’m near one, how I’ve never flirted with a boy, how I don’t leave my house often, how lame I am, how non-epic my social life is, how I can’t even make eye contact, how invisible I am, how not interesting I am, and how this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…

So this is the conclusion of the thoughts:

I. AM. LAME.

There’s no doubt about it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise like my friends did. You will be wasting your time.

I want to be different, so I thought about some of the things I want to achieve:

  1. Make more friends.
  2. Try not to look scary.
  3. Befriend boys.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace.
  7. Get out of my house more often.
  8. Stop being such an otaku.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around.

But of course there are a few problems:

  1. Make more friends.  I have a limited number of friends so it will be hard to make friends with my friends’ friends. Also, I’m shy and socially awkward and scared of meeting new people.
  2. Try not to look scary. I have a scary and pissed off default expression
  3. Befriend boys. Boys make me nervous.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend. Boys make me nervous. Also, I am an unpleasant person. Also, I have no guy friends.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace. She’s the only close friend I have at school.
  7. Get out of my house more often. Why? People are scary. Plus, I’m lazy. Plus, I’m an otaku so it fits my nature.
  8. Stop being such an otaku. I love manga, anime, J-Dramas, Doujinshi, Yaoi etc.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around. I’m socially awkward, I don’t talk, I’m quite unpleasant, I’m boring, some people may believe I have anger management problems, I find people scary and I’m invisible, so that might just be impossible.

See the problem(s) I have?

A lot of the time, I believe I have some form of social anxiety, though I’ve never been diagnosed with it, nor do I believe what ever this is affects my life that much. Still, I don’t believe it’s not a bit problem. My inability to socialise haunts my thoughts daily and sometimes gets me into these depressive states which I just had earlier. And, I know this may be sad, but I have looked up how to overcome social awkwardness/anxiety/phobia and this question almost always appears.

Identify the reason of your fear

And I’m llike:

There’s a reason?

You see, I’ve never thought about a reason. Some reasons are like, ‘you are scared of saying/doing something embarrassing.’ and yeah, I am afraid of that, but is that really the reason I can’t talk to new people or any people at all or even make eye contact? I don’t know. I don’t know why! Is it just like my arachnophobia? A fear with no reason. Or maybe I just fear socialising itself? But that’s not it. I can socialise with my friends.

Or maybe I’m scared about not being accepted.

Maybe I’m scared about being left alone.

Maybe I’m scared about being invisible.

Maybe it’s because I strongly believe that people don’t like me and that’s why I don’t talk to them.

Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of being noticed and then picked on. I’m scared about revealing much about myself and being who I truly want to be due to a childhood trauma.

Maybe it’s all those things…

That’s a lot of ‘maybe’s.

I don’t know what it is, but once I find out what it is, I’ll be sure to do something about it, but for now, I’ll try:

  1. To smile more.
  2. To be nicer.
  3. To do more exercise (i won’t do this)
  4. To go for walks.
  5. To go out more with my primary school friends and other friends.
  6. To not look at the ground so much.
  7. To say hi to people more.
  8. To appear friendly.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps…

I have to end this post; my brother is trying to eat me. No joke.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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