Social Anxiety: It’s coming… IT’S COMING!!!

It’s coming everyone. Yes, that dreaded 4th of September (though it may be different for others…) And what is happening that day you ask? I’ll tell you what’s happening- I’m going back to learning prison *ahem* I mean SCHOOL!!!

It’s really strange though. During my last days of summer holiday, I always feel bored and am always itching to get back to school to see my friends, but now it’s different.

Fine, yes, it’s partly to do with my unwillingness to wake up early and put on my uniform and walk to the bus stop and… get the bus and… learn, but recently I just remembered something that the many days of relaxing in isolation has made me forget- there are people in school.

Okay… that sounded weird. What I mean is, people are scary. How can I stand stepping out into the blinding morning sunlight and pretending to walk confidently past strangers and sit on the bus while stressing. How will I be able to walk into my form room. Heck, I can’t do that anyway; I have to avert my eyes as I step in and silently sink into my seat so that nobody will notice. And then for the rest of the year, I’ll be trying to hide my existence and then wonder why I’m so invisible and then try to stand out and then get scared and then… and then…

I don’t even know what I’m staying now…

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of being… alone… For starters, I don’t even like stepping out of my house… alone… I don’t like entering my form room alone. I don’t know what I’ll do in my lessons when I’m not with Grace. (Thankfully, she’s in most of my classes) What if I have to work in groups? GROUPS?! I hate that word. When the teacher says it, everyone gathers with their friends and who do I go with? NO ONE. Until I’m forced to join a group who don’t even acknowledge me…

And what about break and lunch? I’m too shy to go up to anyone to talk to them. If Grace isn’t with me for lunch, how the heck am I supposed to find anyone to eat lunch with.

oh wait. I just remembered.

The year 11s in my school have their own separate canteen. It’s much smaller so maybe if I’m lucky I can just fit into the corner and hide or something…

And there I go again, trying to hide my existence.

*sigh*

Sorry… This post seems a little muddled, but I’m really anxious now, my fingers are trembling slightly and I’m just typing whatever comes to my mind at the moment…

But seriously, if I’m scared now, what about when school starts? How will I cope? During the last few months of school, I had something which I call ‘School Fever’ (Wasn’t really a fever but… you know… yeah). Some of the symptoms were headaches every hour of everyday, random stomach aches, the strange temptation of wanting to run away or get run over by a car (believe it or not) and fantasising about what it must be like to stay in hospital after the accident (I actually really thought about this and… well… I was a little reckless when crossing roads though I’ve still got a strong sense of safety so I don’t think it would’ve happened.) Also, I had negative thoughts a lot, especially in the morning, and that’s what would lead to the temptation of running away or going to hospital. Sometimes I would come into school and would refuse to talk… or more like I couldn’t talk. I’d just make gestures or say a few words but if anyone wanted a longer answer from me, I’d just stare… I got frustrated about not being able to tell anyone, but eventually I opened up to Grace and she seemed a bit worried. We laughed about it, of course, that’s what we do, though it was a kind of awkward laugh.

Of course that phase is over, it ended a week or two before the holidays started (the headache continued to the end of the term). It still hasn’t returned even though school is about to start (the headache) so I’m not feeling that worried, but nevertheless, I’m still panicking. I even cried about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) and talked to my sister about it… She wasn’t much help.

Still. I’m DETERMINED to be different. I WILL be able to keep my eyes of the ground when I walk and I WILL be able to talk more to people, and I WILL not make my default pissed of face, and I WILL read some yaoi manga, and I WILL work in groups happily and make an effort and interact with the people in my group, and I WILL make my A* targets!!

I WILL SHOW EVERYONE WHAT A COOL AND FUN PERSON I AM!!

Cool and fun? That’s not modest at all…

Well… all that’s left is to wait till school starts…

I actually can’t wait…

Hey! Fun fact: I was making my default pissed off face during the whole of this post! 😀

Yeah…

Time to watch anime.

NHK NI YOUKOSO!

OSU!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: ‘It’s not my fault that I’m not popular!’

私がモテないのはどう考えてもお前らが悪い!

Watashi ga motenai no wa dou kangaetemo omaera ga warui!

That’s the Japanese (kana+romaji) version of the title of this post. Yes, this post is going to be about a manga/anime. But before you close the webpage thinking you were going to read something deep and meaningful, don’t… because I have a point for writing this.

The main character in WataMote is fifteen year old Tomoko who has just started high school believing she will make her ‘high school debut’ and become popular as soon as she enters. But of course, Tomoko is a shy, awkward unsociable loner so this doesn’t happen… The story is about her (failed) attempts to improve her status and finally achieve popularity.

While watching this anime/reading the manga (I’m doing it at the same time because I couldn’t wait till I finished the manga :3 ) I found myself thinking things like ‘Come on, Tomoko! Just tell the lady what you want to order!’, or ‘Just say something natural. Don’t work so hard to think of a (bad) pun to tell those boys!’ and I realised I was thinking about the stuff that people normally tell me, for example ‘Just talk!’.

Tomoko’s kind of in the same situation as me- she’s shy, has a limited number of friends (okay, she only has one), she doesn’t know how to start or keep a conversation going, she has strange thoughts (not going to expand on this), may be deranged and the most obvious one- she’s an otaku (though she’s not that into BL)

Although I watch/read WataMote mostly for the laughs, I also analyse Tomoko’s behaviour and think about my own life. Sometimes, seeing your life from the sidelines helps you to realise your problems, understand what they’re caused by and possibly come up with solutions.

Even if you’re not into anime/manga and even if you are not at all like Tomoko, I still recommend it. Trust me, it’s hilarious- more hilarious than my electrons joke *grin*. And if you are into anime/manga then that’s great.

ImageSupport Tomoko, watch WataMote.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

SPAM!

No, this post isn’t about meat…

I normally take a look at my spam comments every once in a while, just to make sure any real comments weren’t accidentally put in there, though I mostly do this to speculate at the strange and unusual comments I’ve been getting. Here are three (click to make bigger):

SPAM 1

Hahahahahahahahahahaha…

~Epic Cupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Fed up

Forget revision- I’m sick of it…

After having a good cry in my room, I decided that this would be the perfect time to write a post…

So…

Yeah…

This is a little awkward…

Well, basically I’m just fed up, as the title states, because of my inability to socialise. This feeling arose as I was hanging out with my long time primary school friends. (which is quite ironic in a way…) We went to this place near central London to ice skate. It was fun. I mean, sure, I fell over a number of times, but at the end, I felt like all the professional (except from the fact that they were all doing all these fancy tricks and stuff)

But really it was after the ice skating, when we sat down and relaxed in the park, when I started to feel fed up with myself. My friends started talking about parties and boys and exciting experiences they had. They talked about their other friends and their friendship groups. They starting to talk about movies, music and tv shows, and being the lame person that I am, I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversations except useless crap and in the time that I was silent, I began to think about myself and- brace yourself, this will be lame- how I don’t really fit into any friendship group, have I’ve never been to parties, how I’ve never talked to boy, how I clam up when I’m near one, how I’ve never flirted with a boy, how I don’t leave my house often, how lame I am, how non-epic my social life is, how I can’t even make eye contact, how invisible I am, how not interesting I am, and how this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…

So this is the conclusion of the thoughts:

I. AM. LAME.

There’s no doubt about it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise like my friends did. You will be wasting your time.

I want to be different, so I thought about some of the things I want to achieve:

  1. Make more friends.
  2. Try not to look scary.
  3. Befriend boys.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace.
  7. Get out of my house more often.
  8. Stop being such an otaku.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around.

But of course there are a few problems:

  1. Make more friends.  I have a limited number of friends so it will be hard to make friends with my friends’ friends. Also, I’m shy and socially awkward and scared of meeting new people.
  2. Try not to look scary. I have a scary and pissed off default expression
  3. Befriend boys. Boys make me nervous.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend. Boys make me nervous. Also, I am an unpleasant person. Also, I have no guy friends.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace. She’s the only close friend I have at school.
  7. Get out of my house more often. Why? People are scary. Plus, I’m lazy. Plus, I’m an otaku so it fits my nature.
  8. Stop being such an otaku. I love manga, anime, J-Dramas, Doujinshi, Yaoi etc.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around. I’m socially awkward, I don’t talk, I’m quite unpleasant, I’m boring, some people may believe I have anger management problems, I find people scary and I’m invisible, so that might just be impossible.

See the problem(s) I have?

A lot of the time, I believe I have some form of social anxiety, though I’ve never been diagnosed with it, nor do I believe what ever this is affects my life that much. Still, I don’t believe it’s not a bit problem. My inability to socialise haunts my thoughts daily and sometimes gets me into these depressive states which I just had earlier. And, I know this may be sad, but I have looked up how to overcome social awkwardness/anxiety/phobia and this question almost always appears.

Identify the reason of your fear

And I’m llike:

There’s a reason?

You see, I’ve never thought about a reason. Some reasons are like, ‘you are scared of saying/doing something embarrassing.’ and yeah, I am afraid of that, but is that really the reason I can’t talk to new people or any people at all or even make eye contact? I don’t know. I don’t know why! Is it just like my arachnophobia? A fear with no reason. Or maybe I just fear socialising itself? But that’s not it. I can socialise with my friends.

Or maybe I’m scared about not being accepted.

Maybe I’m scared about being left alone.

Maybe I’m scared about being invisible.

Maybe it’s because I strongly believe that people don’t like me and that’s why I don’t talk to them.

Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of being noticed and then picked on. I’m scared about revealing much about myself and being who I truly want to be due to a childhood trauma.

Maybe it’s all those things…

That’s a lot of ‘maybe’s.

I don’t know what it is, but once I find out what it is, I’ll be sure to do something about it, but for now, I’ll try:

  1. To smile more.
  2. To be nicer.
  3. To do more exercise (i won’t do this)
  4. To go for walks.
  5. To go out more with my primary school friends and other friends.
  6. To not look at the ground so much.
  7. To say hi to people more.
  8. To appear friendly.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps…

I have to end this post; my brother is trying to eat me. No joke.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Exams, Exams, Exams!

This’ll be a short post. It has to be.

When I woke up this morning, my dad was stilling in front of the TV, watching the news, with a kind of sullen expression. So I said good morning and waited patiently for him to say something. And he did. Yes, he talked about the news and how the number of students achieving A*-C grades decreased by 1.3%. Now I now that’s not a big number in itself, however the number is represents, I sure, it’s definitely a large number.

My dad told me to really take my education serious as I didn’t really take last year serious. This is my last year to prove myself and get the best out of my GCSEs. I’m going to have to revise for the rest of the summer… and practice my piano pieces. My exam is soon and I still haven’t mastered, or even figured out, one piece. But it’s so complicated in terms of the fingering.

No, I have to stop now and revise!

~EpicCupcake signing out.