My Rants: Perfectly Natural

I’m gonna start this post with a (fictional) story that is a little (little?) strange probably won’t make much sense at all, but trust me; I have a point.

As we gazed into each others eyes, the whistling wind began to die down, the leaves paused their dance and the birds made no sound. Nature itself seemed to hush for us as if creating a spotlight for us. If nature could accept us, why couldn’t others?
Darren stretched his arm up and cupped my cheek with his palm.
“Lilia…” He whispered, his silky voice echos in my mind. I loved it when he called my name.
“Darren…”
Suddenly, he leaned forward and, as if there was an invisible cord named desire between us, tugging at our lips, I closed my eyes and leaned forward also until our lips lightly brushed.
When my eyes fluttered open, I caught sight of two women in the park, shooting us disapproving glares. I gently pushed Darren away.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“We can’t kiss…” I said softly, my gaze fell back down to my shoes. ” Not here… Not in public…”
Darren, noticing my sudden discomfort, looked around and spotted the two ladies. He let out a big sigh. “I don’t understand.” He said quietly, calmly, yet his eyes portrayed anger and annoyance. “I don’t understand what’s so wrong about a guy and a girl being together…”
“It’s not normal…” I answered him without looking up. “It’s weird, disgusting and unnatural.” I was surprised at the bitterness on my tongue as I spat those words out.
“It is really?” He challenged. “Is it really so weird? Is it really so disgusting and unnatural? We’re humans and we love each other. What’s wrong with that? How does that make us different, Lilia?”

And I’ll stop there. Did you enjoy the story? You probably didn’t ’cause it made no sense, but do you see my point?
I bet if I showed this story to someone, they’d probably be like “Aww… That’s so not fair!” But if I changed Lilia into… let’s say… Luke, suddenly people think, well it is kinda weird and it is kinda unnatural and maybe a bit disgusting.

Apart from the fact they have a different preference, how are homosexuals any different from heterosexuals? Why do people get bullied or disowned just for following their heart? A girl in one of my classes wrote a speech, podcast article thing about this topic and it mentioned that in the past, homosexuality was a crime and people got arrested or something (my stupid fudged-up memory won’t let me remember…). I personally thought it was stupid, not just because loving someone shouldn’t be a crime, but also because the police should use their time to chase down murders and thieves rather that people who haven’t committed any real crimes.

I remember a conversation I had with Grace and this other girl and somehow the topic switched to gay people. The girl told me how she didn’t like homosexuality because it’s ‘weird’, ‘not normal’ and ‘not natural’.

Weird? Like Darren said- two humans in love. Not weird.
Not normal? What is ‘normal’ anyway. Who decides what’s ‘normal’ anyway? The meaning of normal is whatever the society decides is normal.
Here’s a lame example:
In England it’s normal to spell colour with a ‘u’ whereas in America, it’s normal to spell it without one. So which one is not normal?
To be quite honest, no one is the same so that means being different is normal. See the point I’m making?
Not natural? Don’t get me started. I’m pretty sure there are more than a couple of homosexuals in the world and it’s not exactly a new thing, is it? It is a part of nature so doesn’t that make it natural? Fun fact: did you know that there is some homosexual activity within some animal species? I’m not lying; it’s true.

It just pains me that people discriminate against people not only because of their age, race, gender, sexual orientation etc. but I don’t blame people because it’s not easy for human to accept things that go against what they’re used to and it is very hard to change the strong believes that are so deeply rooted in our minds.

Still, we shouldn’t use this as an excuse. We should look beyond labels such as gay or lesbian because the labels don’t define people– personalities do.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Social Anxiety: Negative thinking and Depression

So far I haven’t written anything about personality disorders… oh well…

Negative thinking- one of the many evils in the world (right next to procrastination)

Negative thinking is often a result of depression or anxiety (or both) and it can cause some serious problems.

Here’s an example:

In a certain class at school, I came in and sat in my seat. As soon as I sat down the girl sitting next to me asked the teacher if she could move to the other side of the room. All of a sudden I hated that girl and everything about her and only wished for her to trip on her way to her new seat. Them I start to remember all the bad things that had ever happened to and I blame the world:

“I hate everyone!”

“Nobody cares about me!”

It’s not my fault! It’s everyone’s fault for not accepting me!”

And then, all of a sudden, a switch flicks inside me and suddenly I’m blaming myself for everything coming up with stupid reasons:

“It’s all my fault!”

“I’m a horrible person; that’s why no one likes me.”

“Why am I like this?”

And these thoughts fuel my depression even more and I have more negative thoughts. It’s a vicious circle…

I’m pretty sure depression and negative thinking can have physical effects on you and I’m pretty sure they were the cause of my mysterious migraines and the haunting feeling that I was going to throw up. I always had feelings of helplessness, emptiness and sometimes I’d wake up in the morning perfectly fine, but by the time I got to school, I would find it hard to talk so I’d avoid people and then that familiar lonely feeling would haunt me yet again… Another thing would getting tearful over small stuff for example when I left the house for a moment and returned to find my laptop off. I cried so much about that while I was thinking ‘why the heck am I crying?’ at the same time. Everything made me either upset or angry. Seeing someone on the bus was enough to make me agitated angry and upset. And yet another thing: during my recent long depressive state, I formed a bad habit of reading (yaoi) manga  or watch (yaoi) OVAs every night until midnight, before I could fall asleep. I would always feel really tired and almost fall asleep in class because of it, but I couldn’t help it because if I didn’t, negative thoughts would take over my mind and I wouldn’t be able to sleep. (and though I hate to admit it, it was so addictive…)

But although my depressive states only made my life look like joke, depression can have much more serious effects such as self-harm and suicidal behaviour. It can make you feel so insignificant or so depressed that life isn’t worth living. I’ve never really felt the need to self-harm or even think about suicide (thank God), so I can’t say much about it but if you think you’re suicidal (or someone else) you should probably tell someone and check out this website. Sorry I can’t be of much help…

But you get my point- negative thinking=very bad. I’ve been doing a little research and have found ways to fight against the compulsive thoughts:

  1. De-stress. I always get upset when I’m stressed.
  2. Make a list of five things that are good about yourself (it can be in your head if you’re lazy like me)
  3. Arrange a day out with a friend. (I tend to generate negative thoughts when I’m alone)
  4. Sing. (I got this one from the internet. But it’s true- singing does make you feel better)
  5. Watch some random YouTube video or an E4 show (How I met your mother always makes me laugh)
  6. Tease your baby brother/sister (if you have one, that is.)  but don’t  do this:
  7. Avoid triggers of negative thoughts.
  8. Write down the things going around in your head. Again, I got this one from the internet. It’ll help you clear your head and help you see your negative thoughts for what they are which makes it easier to move on from them.

Can’t think of anything else…

Oh, yes, I’ll finish this post on this note: If you know someone with social anxiety or depression etc., make sure they know that you are there  for them and reassure them that they are wonderful (’cause they are!). Talk to them; let them know they are special, unique, important and- most importantly- let them know they are loved and that you’ll be seriously pissed off it they hurt him/herself in any way.

I’m gonna stop blabbing now… but one last thing!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

My Rants: Deadly Cream

Deadly Cream

As I’m sure you probably don’t know, I have a not so rare skin condition called eczema and so I have special creams to treat it and prescribed moisturisers to use (I only use prescribed creams because I have ultra sensitive skin)

I don’t think many people know that much about eczema or the creams prescribed for it so I not surprised that I get this all the time:

 

**A-san: Hey does anyone have cream I can use?

Me: I have cream.

A-san: Okay thank- *hesitates* Wait…

Me: What?

A-san: Is it okay if I use it?

Me: …What do you mean?

A-san: Will it… do anything to me? Since I don’t have eczema…

Me: …No…

A-san: Actually, It’s okay; I’ll ask someone else! But thanks anyway! *Walk away*

Me: …

 

I’m sorry, but if my cream was dangerous, why would it be prescribed for someone with sensitive skin? (Another time this situation happened the **Ano hito-san told me “I have sensitive skin so I probably shouldn’t use it…” …?) I understand there are some creams that aren’t suitable for… er …non-eczema sufferers, but having this disorder for my whole life, how would I not know which creams are suitable and which are not??? Come on people, I’m not stupid! It’s just a simple moisturiser, not some kind of deadly, killer cream…

…Why am I ranting about cream?

I’ll finish this post on this final note. Most people that have had diagnosed disorders for most of their lives would know a lot about them. More than you’d think.

My fellow eczema sufferers, can you relate?

**A-san → Ano hito → あの人 → That person (Japanese)

 

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: NO, I can’t just talk…

Being the shy little peanut I am, I find it hard to socialise (would rather spend the day with some lovely yaoi). When I’m around new people, I find it even harder.

Let me give you an example:

At a friends party, she invited loads of her friends and I knew none of them (okay, I had met a few of them before) so it was really hard. So chilled downstairs while her friends were talking upstairs (there were about a million of them…) My friend Grace was also with me and she’s like some kind of social machine. She was chillin upstairs with the rest of them even though she had never met them before in her life. When I told her that I was bored she told me something like:

“Come upstairs!”

and I said:

“But I’m shy…”

But I still followed her. By the time I got there, there were so many of them that I felt like I was about to drown in an ocean of anxiety (poor simile? sue me…) so I kept my mouth shut and kept to myself. When I looked at Grace with pleading eyes, she told me.

“You should just talk.”

I was too nervous to speak in that situation, but I probably would’ve said something like this:

So I settled for this:

That’s the problem with people who don’t understand, but oh well- Grace doesn’t get a lot of things. I’m used to it.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Agony Cupcake: Trying to fit in

I’m just gonna blab here…

In high school, you are with the  same people for five whole bloody years (I’m talking about the England, guys) and that means you want to have a good reputation so that people like you and won’t ignore you or bully you. Naturally, most teens are tempted by the delicious satisfaction of being accepted to they go to great lengths to make this happen. This means they:

  • Try to buy hip designer clothes
  • Listen to the latest songs
  • Start b*tchin about others
  • Start smoking/taking drugs (never saw it in my school though…)
  • Other things that I can’t remember

Now I used to try to keep up with the times and become a person that everybody liked. Now, I’m not a very social person and I like to spend most of my time reading manga, but nevertheless, I was pulled in to this bizarre craze because I didn’t start high school in a good way. I began to change myself and I didn’t even realise it.

Back in primary school I was a very sensitive person (still am) and I probably angry a lot. If someone made me angry, I told them and I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings . I was pretty straight forward, though I was a little shy. Of course, this meant that not many people liked me. In high school, I did care about my classmates but not really that much, but all of a sudden, their acceptance was all I longed for- to be one of them; to fit in.

I stopped expressing my feelings so much and held them in. I tried my best to only reveal others the good side of myself and to hide my true self in the shadows cast by my false new image. People accepted me, or so I thought.

I was living a delusion. I though I was accepted, one of them, but after a few years I realised I was wrong. I have a good friend, Grace- Grace Grassland- and we’re besties. We’d spend pretty much every moment of the day together, but whenever she was absent (which was rare because she had excellent attendance), I realised that I wasn’t ‘friends’ with everybody as I thought. I became to become the quiet, shy girlonce again.

At the same time, I realised that people were ignoring me, forgetting me as if I didn’t exist. And if that wasn’t enough, I found out that people had been bitching about me behind my back and saying that I’m cold, rude and that I always look pissed off but seriously, that’s just how my face is.

Normal FaceThis is how I look all the time.

Then things went wrong. I lost it and got angry at everything and shouted at everything and cried at everything and laughed at everything and I had no idea why. I threw things across the room and started ripping paper for no reason. I started saying things like:

Nobody loves me.

I’ll always be alone.

What’s wrong with me?

I was never happy.

Who am I?

I knew I wasn’t the person who was always cheerful- who always loved being with others etc. etc. Due to my fudged-up memory, I have no idea who ‘I’ am.

Maybe I’m just looking to far into things. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking in this strange way. Maybe…

Sorry for blabbing. But seriously, take my advice- always be yourself. Don’t try to ‘fit in’. What is ‘in’ anyway. It doesn’t mean everyone likes you. It probably means people are still b*tching about you, but instead of saying to your face, they say it behind your back.

I’ve had enough of ‘fitting in’. I’ve had enough of pretending that everyone likes me. I’ve had enough of trying to make others like me. They won’t like you unless they truely want to.

I want to be myself and you should too because that’s what makes you made you. That makes you real.

I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place. I guess that’s just how I feel inside.

Enough sadness, more epicness

Read book (yaoi)Let’s read some YAOI!

~EpicCupcake signing out.