That’s It

Hey Guys.

It’s been months, and for good reason.

I’ve decided I’m not going to continue with this blog.

When I started this blog… well I had a lot of time on my hands… but I also wanted to give it a go- being open and honest and silly and stuff. I’ve had a lot of fun, but recently the blog had become a chore. Yes, a chore. I felt I had to go ahead a post regularly because it was my responsibility and I didn’t like that much. I haven’t got as much time on my hands as before. I don’t have time for long rambley posts, no matter how much I enjoy them.

So I’ve decided this’ll be the last post. I sorry if you enjoyed reading my posts. If you really think I’m witty and funny, I’m sure you’ll find me elsewhere on the internet as FujoshiPeanut. Mostly on webcomic sites. I’m gonna leave up my posts though- in case anyone wants to read. I’m not a fan of deleting things. This place is like a journal too, even I like to look back at past posts. And I’ll reply to comments if you leave any. Probably.:/

I’ll end this, not with a bye, but with a see you later (probs) because we may probably meet in the future (online- I highly doubt we’d meet offline, I live under a rock) as FujoshiPeanut or some other name. Heck, if I start blogging again or drawing a comic or something, I might even post links here just in case (If I do, you better subscribe!)

So… see ya suckers! ;P

Just kidding, can’t leave without saying a huge thank you to all of you wonderful lost travellers who stumbled upon my blog AND ACTUALLY STAYED. You guys RULE.


Kimoi... My message to all bullies I spilt it...

~EpicCupcake signing out.


From where we began

I don’t even know why I have a blog when I don’t even use it.

I’m sorry, yes I know I suck but… you’re still here so…

Well I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been quite busy. Seriously. Like now I finally have free time. I’ve finished my mock exams which I’m hoping to pass and I’ve had one university interview which I stressed over so much even though I’m not planning on going there but want to do the best in everything I do because I’m just like that.

All this and everything to do with myself and my affect on others have stressed me out and I’ve shouted and punched and swore and cried more in these last few weeks than I would 3 months. So… yeah… Actually got into a huge fight with Tori which really scarred me because it was at that moment that I realised that whatever this is- my uncontrollable emotions and irrational thoughts and my behaviour in response to those- it’s really going to put a strain on all my relationships and that scared me. Single ‘r’. I am working towards this though. I’m not just sitting around waiting for things to change when I’m the one who needs to do the changing.

Some time ago (maybe early November) my form tutor noticed something off about me one day. I didn’t tell her what was wrong because honestly I had nothing to say. I don’t think she bought it. We talked the next day and I explained some of it. I told her about my emotions and snapping at people and that painful feeling in my chest. She recommended I go see the counsellor and I just instantly said yes because I was done with myself and felt that, yes- it’s time for change.

I was terrified about seeing the counsellor. Not because on an social anxiety, but because I was worried I’d waste her time and that I wouldn’t know what to say. But it turned out I had nothing to worry about. She was really nice, honest and straightforward. She said things how they were. She didn’t judge me or anything and I felt like I could really trust her. But I think the best thing about going to see her was the fact that she was able to take the things I said, the thoughts that have been all jumbled up in my head, and sort them out and tell me what she thought and that’s really helped. I now understand why I act the way I do a lot more even if there are still gaps in the puzzle. (Puzzles, by the way, are awesome. Just saying.)

She said that some of the things I mentioned reminded her of a condition called Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome, otherwise known as PDA. It’s considered to be on the autism spectrum despite having certain contradictory aspects. I’m not saying I have PDA and neither did she, but it helped to understand more about what I was going through and what I can do to improve things. So far I haven’t got much since I only found out about this condition last week but now at least whenever I feel that feeling in my chest I know that I’m feeling anxiety about something so I try to fill my mind with rational thoughts while my rational mind is still in control to sort of calm me down. When that doesn’t work I normally isolate myself. Being around people in those situations make me more anxious. I’m going to find out more strategies for beating anxiety and hopeful I’ll be able to discuss this with the counsellor (forgive me if I’ve spelt this wrong throughout… oh, wait, I think I’ve corrected them all…) That’s all I’m going to say on that. Short and sweet. That’s the way.

I won’t bother you with details about university applications. 2 offers so far. AAB. No unconditionals😥. Well a conditional is better than nothing so honestly I can’t complain. More interviews to come. Bleh.

About Mochi who I mentioned in my last post? I’ve got a crush on him. A bad crush but he’s so cute so you can’t blame me😉 Phases 1 & 2 have been successfully executed (we’re friends and I’ve got his number *evil laugh*) phase 3 is now in action (whatever the heck it is)

But now on to the main part of the post.

When I think of why I started this blog, one of the reasons was the fact that I couldn’t talk, so I wrote instead. Communicating was never that easy. I don’t really know why I never talk or why I was so shy. Maybe it was just a natural thing and that I would come out of my shell eventually.

Right now I find it hard to believe that I ever thought I had social anxiety. Yes, I was very much socially awkward and yes, I didn’t speak or interact with others that much. I’m still like that now. Sort of. But now I speak a lot more and to a lot more people. I’ve somehow got past thinking that no one would want to talk to me and I feel free to talk to people when I want to.

Another thing, which may sound a little contradictory, is that I’m less afraid of being seen alone. I used to think that people would laugh at me and call me a loner. I wasn’t completely wrong, but I know that in Sixth Form, people have a lot more to think about and do than to pick on people. Being alone doesn’t make me sad or a loner. For one thing I have friends who I do hang out with often, but I’m the kind of person who enjoys solitude a lot too. Being alone lets me think and I’m a thinker so that’s kind of important to me.

I’ve always been so concerned about how people see me and it’s made me put up sort of a fake persona, in my eyes. So I’m trying to be more true to myself and only fake it for interviews and stuff😉. Just kidding. Sort of.

I’m digressing, I can tell.

The point is, I’ve changed. And I feel so far away from where I began 2/3 years ago when I started posting. My negligence in posting is probably due to having less of a need to write (as well as my laziness, I’ll admit). I feel my world is getting bigger. I’m growing up. I’m interacting with people. I feel like slowly and surely I’ve found myself in the world I could never find- if that’s makes sense. Generally, I feel a lot happier not giving into shyness and fear, and talking and participating more. I don’t so much feel like I’m on the sidelines anymore. I’m there. On the playing field or whatever. And I’m having fun! Really! I’m still quite a quiet person, but nonetheless I’m out there.

What I’m writing feels like a happy ending. It’s not. So I’m probably not going to stop blogging even though I’m spending more time out than in and socialising more. I’ve still got issues I’ve got to work out and I still don’t get people all that well but I’m getting there.

I actually feel pretty positive about the future!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work


Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Miss Senpai is a Busy Busy Bee who is facing DOOM at the DENTIST’S CHAIR

This is pretty much teach cleaning.

An accurate depiction of teeth cleaning, guys.

‘Busy busy bee.’

I almost never use this phrase so that’s how you know I’m busy.

Quest-ce que ‘sup? (Big Bang Theory forever, dudes <3 )

I’ve finally gotten out of that slump of whatever you call being bored out of your mind but I guess that’s because I’ve started college again. I meant to write a post about my first day but didn’t and now it’s probably too late but I might as well go ahead with it.

So the first years (the year 12) have finally made their appearance (like two weeks ago) some of whom I know because the majority of them went to my high school. I was surprised to see a friend of mine who volunteers in the charity shop I also volunteer in. We see each other occasionally- actually scratch that- we see each other all the time. Or rather I see him all the time. I don’t know if this happens to other people but I can remember what people look like, but at soon as I see them in a different setting I just can’t recognise them. This has led to really awkward moments. I think it must’ve looked like I ignored him at first but we did talk once in the morning and he didn’t seem pissed or fed up at me. Well it’s not like we’re that close. Well, whatever he thinks, I did warn him that I’m super awkward… to which he says he doesn’t see it. I thought he was just being polite but he insisted. I told him thanks for believing in me.

Actually I saw him on Tuesday when I was waiting in line at lunch. I was RIGHT BEHIND him and I had one of those ‘is this him…?’ moments. I left the queue eventually for a reason I can’t be bother to explain (something about how the queue works and hot food and cold food) but when I saw him again I decided it’s time to end this nonsense and say hi…

And I did…

And it was him! WOO! Point Peanut!

And then we had another awkward short conversion. But who cares! I took a risk and I didn’t horribly embarrass myself! That’s more than enough, thank you.

For now anyway.

It’s weird having a first year as a friend. When I was in primary school, I did make friends with kids younger than me, but I never did that in high school. It was great to have someone to pass your wise knowledge and teaching or whatever. My very own kouhai :3. Talking to him about college really makes me feel older and mature. Like a 17 year old rather than a 10 year old.

I can’t even believe I’m 17 already. And that next year I’ll be in uni. Weeeeeiiiiirrrrd. The other day I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (which is a lot more horrifying than it sounds with a lot more blood than you’d expect especially if you haven’t been to the dentist in 4 years and never floss) and when he asked for my age I almost said 15. Not even 16. Fifteen. Guess who’s stuck in the past?

Now that I think about it I’ve played this dentist game a lot in the past (like 1-2 years ago). With all the anaesthetics and laughing gas I’ve had to use, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did.

And you know what hurts more than teeth cleaning?

Writing personal statements. I am practically slaving away writing the crappiest 4000 characters WITH SPACES of my life. I will say no more about this. OTHER THAN MY DEADLINE IS THE 2ND OF NOVEMBER!!!!

Put that date in your planners guys.

That day… is DOOMSDAY.

So yeah, positive thoughts!😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Imaginary Schrödinger’s Person

Let me tell you what I’ve done today…

I woke up… at 12

I read a book… like 5 pages

I played games… on my phone

I watched 1.5 movies… yeah…

And it’s almost eight now and I don’t believe I’ve done anything meaningful today.

You know, I can fool myself that I’m content with spending everyday on my computer and sort of reading books and definitely reading comics for quite a while, but I can’t fool myself forever.

I’m bored.

I need to do something.

Something meaningful.

Unfortunately I have neither the energy nor social skills to do anything. I am actually quite a boring person.

I don’t know why I have this crazy idea in my head that if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that my life will suddenly have meaning. That I have to have someone to complete me. That life will start only then and I should just wait and be bored before then.

Some time ago, about when I started this blog or at least a year from then, I used to have these thoughts all the time and it seriously bugged me. Perhaps that was what made me so glum. Now-a-days I just fly by in life, not thinking about those things and to be honest, I’ve been happy since I started college- since I stopped thinking about those kinds of things.

Of course that was when I was still head over heels (or hills or whatever the expression is ‘m too lazy to google right now, sorry) for Phoenix so I only concentrated on one person and not the whole bunch of people who couldn’t care less about me. But now I’m really done with that. I’m ready to close that chapter of my life but it’s hard, you know? I can’t help that whenever we talk on WhatsApp, I get really happy and excited and my heart just warms up. I can’t help that there’s always that feeling deep inside- that relentless feeling- that still has feelings for her. And boy is it annoying! On results’ day I met her by chance and as usual, I stuck to her like glue and went back to the hall so she could collect her results instead of leaving with my own and meeting my cousin as planned. I then met my other friends and I wanted to talk to them but Phoenix had to go because her girlfriend was waiting outside. I felt a pang of something but I said bye and let her go without me. There was no way I was gonna hang around with her girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but her girlfriend went to our high school. We had English together. So did Phoenix. I never really liked her that much because I thought she looked down on me. What made that day worse is that I bumped into Phoenix when I was leaving the college and she was with her and some others. Thank goodness her girlfriend had her back to me, It would hurt to look at her face. Her hair was really nice though. Really really nice. As if my hair, I mean day, wasn’t bad enough.

So now, even though I am getting over it, I still want to be in a relationship. To get my mind off everything and just chill. To be able to be happy for my friend.

But you know, there has to be more to life. I don’t want to put my faith in dating to make life more exciting. True, it would make life more exciting, but I don’t think it’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for. I just want to make the most of every day and live life to the full. Try new things. Go to new places. Learn more about myself and the world. Get closer with my friends (in an extrememly platonic way- I don’t want this emotions rollercoaster I experienced thanks to my undying- and I MEAN UNDYING– love for Phoenix) and actually hang out with them! Instead of being a loner at home all the time because it’s easier that way.

But you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve got extremely strict parents. What can I actually do? My parents want me to be at home 24/7 and even if they don’t I have nowhere to go. Even though I’ve sort of gotten over my fear of opening my mouth and letting words come out instead of silence, I’m no social butterfly and my friends are very limited. And going places costs money! I’ve spent over £50 this holiday and I’m still recovering from my last bank statement.

But I guess there’s no harm in trying to get out of the house. I could force my friends to introduce me new people and I could wave my results in front of my parents face if I get invited to a party or something. I don’t know. I shouldn’t think about all the stuff I’m not doing and want to be doing. I should just focus on making myself happy and living each day to the full (and not sleeping in till the afternoon)

So the question: ‘Is the more to life?’

Answer? : ‘Most definitely.’

Of course, I knew that.

The real question is: ‘Is there more to my life?’

And the answer? : ‘There will be, if I make the effort.’

I can definitely live my life to the full without a boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s time I start believing in myself and not this imaginary Schrödinger’s person.

I’ve realised all I need is a little bit of confidence.

A little bit of confidence can go a long way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I’m no artist

I don’t I stress this enough- I can’t draw to save my life. However, I’ve decided that I’m gonna change that. To be honest, I’ve just been reading comics non-stop this summer and now I feel like drawing my own. I’m still quite far from that but today I did my first sketch of the characters- I’ll put the picture below but don’t laugh or mock- I’m not an artist and I just quickly scanned these without removing old pencil marks and such. I did digitally go over one pic though. Take a look:

(Click to enlarge)Characters 1

Peanut human ink 1 (half)

Well… I tried. I’m gonna work on it, maybe edit their looks a bit. I like my character. Oh yeah, have in mind that this doesn’t actually represent what I look like. For all you know I could have long hair, wear no glasses and be taller and where slim fitted clothes. I do wear glasses though… and I sometimes wear baggy clothes… Well whatever you think I look like, you’re probably wrong but that’s cool- keep seeing me that way if that’s how my writing portrays or whatever. The other characters aren’t really that accurate anyway but that’s the point (it would be awks if the real people they’re based on saw a cartoon character that looked them and found this blog…)

Another thing: the characters are all human. No more messy animal ears. (Just kidding)

Another thing: If you noticed the ‘T.V.I.S.’, it stands for Toffee Vanilla Ice-cream Sundae. Toffee for short.

That’s it for this post. If you’re actually interested in seeing the comic if I ever make it, I’ll post it on Tapastic. I’ll leave a link when it actually exists. If it will exist. It would help if I had a tablet…😦

Peace out.

~EpicCupcake signing out.


Pansexual 1

Why didn't I come up with that?

Why didn’t I come up with that?

During exam week, I was hanging out with Phoenix and other people for a quick ‘revision session’ and somehow the conversation switched to sexuality. When someone asked her what pansexuality was, I told them that it’s when you are sexuality attracted to cookware.

In my mind, that was a good one but I have to say, this would’ve been even better. In my opinion anyway…

Aaah, haven’t posted in ages! Enjoy! ;3 and… TO BE CONTINUED!


~EpicCupcake signing out.